Women are in Combat

At a veteran’s event I was talking to a Lara a female employee of the Veterans Administration (VA). We spent a lot of time talking about issues within the system. She had served 10 years in the Army before she was medically retired due to her Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Like most people I assumed her PTSD was from a sexual assault. I was wrong, she had combat PTSD. She explained that my assumption was a major reason many female veterans will not reach out or file a claim for PTSD. I assumed that any female who has PTSD must have gotten it from sexual assault not combat.

I have said in the past that I have yet to meet a female veteran who had not at a minimum been sexually harassed. She continued to educate me and said I was the third person that she had heard that from but she had not been sexually harassed or assaulted during her time in the Army. We continued to talk and she told me that most people still struggle to believe that female veterans served in combat let alone having PTSD from a combat experience. She discussed a female veteran who could get a 100% disability rating if she included her PTSD. She refused to ask for a rating for PTSD because it would be assumed her PTSD was from a sexual assault not combat. She feared what others would think so she refused to ask for the rating because of the shame associated with sexual assault. She did not want to be seen as a victim.  

Lara continued educating me on her experiences and discussed how she had been struggling for quite a while because there are no groups for female veterans with combat PTSD. She tried to go to a combat PTSD group and an older veterans asked what was she doing there, women can’t have combat PTSD, women don’t serve in combat! That is a huge misnomer. There has been over 800 women wounded and 130 who gave the ultimate sacrifice since the wars started in 2001.

Recently women have been ok’d for combat by the military, even some have made it through Army Ranger school. Female veterans see combat whether we like to admit it or not. In the past women were not trained for combat but they continued to take on rolls that place them in the line of fire during support missions. Women have been in convoys since day one of Desert Storm. On today’s battlefield women receive and return fire. One of the most effective ways for our enemy to do damage to our psyche is road side bombs or Improvised Explosive Devices (IED). These tactics focus on convoys, and females are a part of them, leaving them susceptible to combat just like their male counterparts.

Female veterans need and deserve the same treatment males get for their psychological issues. According to my source, female veterans do not like to attend combat groups because most of them are full of older veterans who have not seen or believe women should be in combat. These females have earned and deserve their own groups for PTSD. The numbers of female veterans speak for themselves. They were 1.9% of casualties and 2.4% of all deaths. More than 280,000 women have served in OIF/OEF and they now make up to 20% of new recruits. Females are 14.5% of the 1.4 million in the military and 18% of the 850,000 reservist. Many of these women have been directly exposed to combat and have earned the benefits.

The center for women veterans was established by congress in November 1994. There has been little done for women veterans until recently when they started to fight for their rights. I have had several conversations with the Women Veterans Program Coordinator at a local VA hospital about women’s issues. She is working hard to make the Women’s Clinic a safe place for female veterans to go. I have sent several of my female clients to the women’s clinic and they have been happy with the care and services they have received.

Our women veterans deserve to be treated just like male veterans and have the same benefits from the VA. If you are a female veteran or know one, please visit or support the women’s clinic at the VA if they have one. The Women’s Healthcare System offers a variety of health services to address the unique needs of female veterans. Female veterans have earned the right to the same benefits male counterparts receive, take advantage of them. The more female veterans utilize their clinic the funding will increase. Don’t be scared to get what you have earned. Don’t let other’s assumptions stop you from getting what you deserve.

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For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Thank a Spouse

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As I walk around town I am constantly thanked for my service.  I have noticed how little our spouses are recognized for their service to the country. There’s no way military members can go to war without their spouses or families dealing with the day to day issues at home. After working with veteran families for years I have noticed how often spouses live through turmoil because of the baggage that comes from just being in the military. It doesn’t matter if someone has a disability or not, veterans have quirks that civilians don’t have.

One of the biggest problems many spouses face is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I constantly hear from spouses who believe they are married to PTSD and not their spouse. Spouses have been struggling for years being married to PTSD and not understanding what to do or how to live with it. The inability to get help from the VA is frustrating for spouses and leaving them nowhere to turn. Spouses continue to look for help and often have very few options. Often Vietnam veteran’s spouses believe incorrectly it is too late for their veteran to get help because of the amount of time that has past. Spouses struggle with the demons their vets live with not knowing what the demons are. Veterans struggle to disclose those demons to their families for fear of being too vulnerable. These mental health demons brought on by war can cause spouses to question their relationships. Often being married to PTSD ends in a divorce because the spouse does not understand the reasons behind their spouse’s behavior related to PTSD. A study by the VA suggest veterans with PTSD were three times more likely than Veterans without PTSD to divorce two or more times. Often marriages end because spouse feels they do not have the person they married as the demons come to the forefront.

We often hear, what can we do to help our veterans, helping spouses is the key. It is not easy for a spouse to live with someone who has a mental health ailment. Often the issues they face are directly correlated to what the veteran is going through. The VA is starting to see the need to help spouses but has a long way to go. If you ask the VA they will tell you they see spouses. What they don’t tell you is the veteran has to be in treatment for the spouse to get help. The VA needs to understand the key to helping veterans is helping the spouse understand the mental health issue that is PTSD.   

With the newest wars many spouses stayed home while their spouses are deployed, many have children and become single parents while their spouse is gone. Raising children alone is one of those tough jobs spouses are left with. These children must go through years not having both of their parents around. Many of today’s veterans have deployed multiple times some for 12 to 18 months at a time. It doesn’t matter to a child if their parent is serving their country or not, all they know is their parent is gone for an extended period missing birthdays, holidays, and special events. It’s up to the spouses to keep the children calm and keep them mentally secure through troubled times for them. These spouses deserve a medal for what they are doing and continue to do.

Whether the spouse was married while the veteran was serving or not, spouses have taken on a service to the country by marrying and taking care of our veterans. I challenge everyone to thank a spouse also when they thank a veteran. These spouse have been putting up with the veteran’s foibles for years brought on by their spouse’s military service. Working through difficult times as veterans age, their demons start to arise as retirement age comes to the forefront. Living with a veteran alone can be stressful at times, add in PTSD, dealing with the VA or other ailments caused by military service can make the relationship more stressful. It does not matter whether the spouse is the veteran’s first, second, third, or even fifth marriage, all veterans have some residual military traits that they carry into their relationship. Throughout the year when you see a military veteran with their spouse, thank the spouse too.  Spouses have earned the respect and recognition because most veterans can’t make it without their spouse to hold everything together. So the bottom line is when you can…. thank a veteran’s spouse.  

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

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Mental Health Stigma is Costly to Veteran’s Quality of Life

As a psychology professor, it is common to be approached after class by my students, especially veterans. Marty approached me after class about an issue he is having. I knew something was wrong when he got up and left class a couple of times. After class, he apologized for getting up and walking out. Marty started to tell me how he was raised by a domineering and abusive Vietnam Veteran. His mother, who was abused also, told him his father changed after Vietnam and was not the same man she married all those years ago. Marty lost trust in his parents as a child and the discussion in class triggered past events.   

Marty joined the Marines straight out of High School to get out of his father’s house and try to gain his father’s approval. He had 2 combat tours in Iraq, where he started to show Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms.  He lost a friend in an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) attack and shows signs of survivor’s guilt along with the PTSD symptoms.

Marty has been out of the Marines for a couple of years and still feels getting help is a weakness. He tried to confide in his wife and explain why he had changed. She expressed her concern and told him if he did not get help she would leave. He still refused, he was concerned about what everyone would think, especially his father. It wasn’t long before his wife left and is now trying to use his PTSD symptoms to keep him away from his children. Again another blow to his trust.

Those that work with Veterans understand there is a high likelihood that PTSD can be pre-loaded. Therefore it is possible Marty had PTSD before joining the Marines because of his abusive father. He did not seek help while in the military because of the stigma, and therefore did not file a claim when he got out.  

As a mental health clinician and a combat veteran I understand many of his issues, he does not have to tell me, I get it. Being a retired Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO) I have seen the stigma firsthand. The branch of service is irrelevant, it’s the military culture. For the most part, your comrades and commander’s attitudes are negative towards seeking mental health assistance. The higher commands might publically state it is acceptable to get help, but that doesn’t always trickle down to local commands. Many feel the higher commands acceptance of mental health help is lip service for civilians and the politically correct thing to say. It takes trust in the system, and like Marty, many don’t have it. As military members we are taught to depend on each other, but the fear of losing your comrades confidence feels worse than living with the mental anguish. Veterans are stubborn and many won’t get help until they are pressured by their family.  A lot of veterans will not get help for themselves, but they will for their families. Sometimes the family must make the first move by getting counseling before the veteran will succumb to the pressure.

Veterans can get free mental health help from the Veterans Administration (VA) if they meet the criteria. The vet centers were founded by Vietnam veterans and are funded by the VA and are available for combat veterans. The VA and vet centers do see families in a limited capacity, you can call to get more information. Private counselors are not a part of the system and work with families. Depending on your wants and needs you have several options. Many do not trust the system, so the VA and vet centers are out. Some do not want their name in any system, therefore private counselors are the answer.

Many veterans believe if you get help you are weak, the truth is it takes more courage to get help. When I talked to Marty he thought clinicians just picked the scabs on old wounds. In some cases that is true, but nothing says you can’t find a clinician that works for you. If Marty’s father had gotten help it is possible he would have been the loving husband he was and not the abusive father he became. If Marty had gotten help he might have been able to maintain his relationship with his wife and receive disability. That can still be done, but he has to be willing to make the move. Mental health is a quality of life issue. In the military, we are taught to do the right thing, the right thing is getting help to improve your quality of life for you and your family.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

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Leaving Money on the Table

I am constantly amazed at how many veterans don’t know they have benefits through the Veterans Administration (VA) or feel they don’t deserve benefits for one reason or another. One of the major benefits veteran’s overlook is disability compensation. It is shocking how little veterans and their families understand about VA medical disability compensation. I was at a store last week and ran into John, an Iraq war veteran. John struggles financially because he can’t keep a good paying job due to his war disabilities. John has been out of the Marines for 3 years and thought he had waited too long to apply for benefits, this is a misconception. John will always be eligible for service connected disability benefits. John also was not told he was covered for medical benefits by the VA for 5 years after his separation from the Marine Corps. John has been paying for medical insurance when he did not have to. I asked if he had been told about his benefits at the Transitional Assistance Program or TAPS seminar and he said he hadn’t. If John receives a 30% disability rating or higher, as a combat veteran he has medical benefits for life through the VA. Some veterans struggle to make ends meet when they don’t have to. There are benefits for veterans, they just need to apply. Even though applying for benefits is easy, working through the bureaucracy of the VA moves slowly.

Applying for disability is not a difficult task, working through the VA disability process is challenging. Every US President has said they will improve the VA system, but the VA ship is hard to turn around. Filing a disability claim through the VA can be a long, arduous process. Once a claim is filed veterans needs to be prepared for the wait. The disability process has gotten better lately but it is still painstakingly slow. The key for the veteran is managing expectations and understanding their benefits claim will take time. Some veterans don’t feel applying for disability benefits is worth the effort and some veterans feel they don’t deserve the benefits and refuse to apply.   

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Anyway why don’t veterans want to apply for disability benefits? When I pose that question to veterans they feel they are not disabled enough, there are veterans missing limbs and have visual wounds, while theirs may be internal and psychological. They feel their disabilities are not severe enough to warrant a claim. Another answer I get is, I am taking benefits from someone who needs them worse than I do. VA funding is based on the number of veterans served at their facilities. Sitting out the disability process is not helping anyone, by not applying for benefits you could cause a cut in funding to your local VA facility.

Sometimes, those who receive benefits are called “moochers” by some in our society, usually those who never served. Because of this attitude some veterans feel they are working the system and getting charity, the reason it takes months or years to get a disability claim through, is that the VA spends the time to weed out the “moochers”.  While in your 20’s, jumping off a 5 ton or duce and half with an 80 to 100-pound rucksack in full battle rattle, being tossed around on an aircraft carrier deck or, jumping off of aircraft and equipment is hard on the knees, ankles, and back. I truly believe no one gets out of the military physically unharmed. If you have a legitimate issue caused by your military service, go after it. The health issues from your service in your 20’s might not be seen instantly but they do catch up to you as you age.  You earned these benefits, it’s not a gift.

The bottom line is you need to apply for the benefits you have earned. There’s no reason for veterans and their families to struggle financially or have medical bills when you don’t have to. I talked to John for about an hour and finally convinced him to apply for compensation for his medical problems.  Many veterans are going to have back, knee, ankle, or various other physical and mental issues because veterans are trained to feel indestructible while serving. Apply for the disability benefits you earned, the military forced you to abuse your body when you were young. Don’t struggle financially in retirement or pay for medical insurance because you abused your body or are suffering with PTSD. Why leave money you have earned on the table?   

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

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Veteran’s Triggers: A Constant Battle

Susan is a friend who has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from her convoy being hit by an improvised explosive device (IED). She battles triggers on a daily basis and gets angry, scared, and frustrated when she hears fireworks in her neighborhood. Often people use fireworks long after the 4th of July causing her to “take cover”. Fireworks confirm how a seemingly simple thing can cause stress to some veterans who struggle with PTSD. To people who don’t live with combat PTSD the fear of firecrackers sounds irrational. Susan’s family doesn’t understand why she locks herself in her bedroom and takes cover when she hears the fireworks, per her family, she just needs to get over it. If only it was that simple.

For many veterans with PTSD, constant threat assessment is normal for them. They operate at such a high level most people who do not have PTSD could not understand. Family members struggle to understand how and why triggers affect their loved ones. Some veterans don’t even know what their triggers are. At times, it takes a family member or friend to point the triggers out. Triggers are one of the biggest problems veterans who suffer from PTSD face. Triggers trick the brain and nervous system into thinking they are back in a dangerous situation. When they see, smell, hear, taste, or remember something that reminds them of the incident that caused their PTSD, they react, fight, flight or freeze. Fireworks are not the only triggers veterans with PTSD live with. Working with veteran’s daily, I know what triggers look like and adjust the way I approach an individual accordingly. Family members might not realize what to look for or what to do concerning triggers. Some common triggers families need to be aware of are anniversaries, holidays, crowds, driving, smells, sounds, or taste to name a few. Every person with PTSD has their own triggers. I am going to try to educate family members on triggers to help them understand what is going on with their loved one.   

Anniversaries are a common trigger for veterans that many family members don’t notice. Veterans often react negatively to the date or time of year their PTSD incident happened. Once the date starts to get closer (usually about a month out) there can be a noticeable change in the veteran’s personality. Veterans could be looking back and wondering if they could have done something different to change the outcome of their traumatic incident, especially if they lost a friend or a troop. They could also have survivor’s guilt, or struggle with the morality of what they had to do. Holidays are especially hard for some veterans. While they are home with their family over the holidays some veterans think about their lost friends. Many of these friends had spouses and children left behind without a father or mother after their death.  Veterans have been known to “adopt” those families trying to help through trying times. It is not uncommon for veterans to stay in contact for years with the families of fallen friends. These incidents can lead to erratic behavior and depression in the veteran.

Crowds are a huge trigger for veterans suffering from PTSD. Family events, Christmas parties, malls, parks, or restaurants can be a trigger. Since PTSD is about threat assessment, being in a crowd causes some veterans to operate at a higher threat assessment level than most people. Most veterans with PTSD struggle in crowds, especially those who have not sought treatment. Veterans have been known to skip holiday gatherings, super bowl, birthdays or any other parties because of the crowds. They do this out of self-preservation not because they don’t want to be with their loved one, they cannot have fun or be attentive because they are in constant threat assessment mode.  

Erratic and aggressive drivers are something most people do not think about. These drivers can be problematic for someone with PTSD. Suicide bombers were known to drive erratically and veterans have been trained to engage anyone who appears suspicious, and erratic drivers can meet that criteria. Both dirt roads or overpasses can conceal combatants and provide good places for an ambush or IED’s. To veterans who live in threat assessment mode, being hypervigilance makes total since while driving. They have seen vehicles blown up on a regular basis and being hypervigilant while driving is normal for them.  Boxes, freshly dug dirt, a dead animal, or anything unusual on the side of the road can be a trigger. The smell of death or burnt or rotting flesh can lead veterans down a path they do not want to go. These things could be an IED or suicide bomber in the eyes of a veteran with PTSD.

Often families do not know what to look for and those who do, struggle because they are also in constant threat mode. I have been told by spouses that their need to be on high alert to keep their veteran from being triggered is a drain on them and the family. These spouses have also discussed how exhausting constant trigger watch can be. The emotional drain of these searches, can be harmful to the spouse because they cannot let their guard down. Letting their guard down could result in their veteran being triggered and having an event. When a spouse spots a trigger they often inform their veteran that a trigger is approaching. The key to assessing triggers for their veteran is to know what their veteran’s triggers are. This takes time to figure out to know what you are seeing.    

There are way too many triggers to discuss in detail with this short blog. It is important to educate family members on what triggers are. The ability to spot and know what their veteran’s triggers are could help family members understand why their veteran is acting the way they are. It can be helpful if both a veteran and their family are aware of what triggers them. Communication is the key to success when dealing with triggers. Family members can help when they know what the triggers are because they can point them out to the veteran and prevent an episode. By pointing the trigger out to the veteran, the family member has done the threat assessment for their veteran, possibly preventing the trigger or helping the veteran to engage with coping skills. Understanding when a trigger can happen might prepare both the veteran and the family member for what might happen or prevent the trigger all together.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

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The Forgotten Military Families

By Petty Officer 2nd Class Annie Elis - https://www.flickr.com/photos/coast_guard/5551474123/, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=34003296

There are differences in the military branches, especially the National Guard (Guard) & Reserves. When we think of deployments we usually think of Active Duty. We forget about those that deploy from Guard & Reserve units unless it’s our family or friends. They have become an important part to our military machine. During Desert Storm, an estimated 19% of the US forces sent were Guard & Reserves. With the recent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan 28% of those serving were Guard or Reservists. That is an estimated 230,000 Guard and 170,000 Reservists. Of those approximately 20,000 have been deployed 4 or more times. There are a lot of Guard and Reservists who continue to deploy, many of their families are left with little support while they are deployed. These families are an integral part of our community and deserve support. If you look closely you will find them. I didn’t have to look far.

Joanne is a student I have had in a couple of classes. She is married to Rick, a sailor in the Naval Reserves. Like all military families they struggled with his deployments. He has been deployed twice for 9 months, and is expecting another deployment soon. Where that doesn’t sound like a lot to an Active Duty family, for a Guard or Reservist family it is problematic. Most Guard & Reserve families do not have the support system many Active Duty families have. Families on Active Duty have military base resources to help where Guard and Reserves don’t. Many Active Duty families live on or near a military installation. If an active duty family lives on base they have a maintenance crew who repair their living quarters when there’s a problem. In these situations the government pays the electric bill, water bill, trash bill, and all repairs needed on their living quarters. Active Duty families usually have a support network from their spouses unit where they can get help. Many Guard and Reserve families who’s unit might be hours away and are no help. Ricks unit is 4 hours away, so help from his unit is not an option. Joanne doesn’t live near family, and struggles to ask for help because she feels no one cares or understands. They do not live in a military town, so neighbors don’t understand either.  

When a family is on Active Duty, the military is their job. For Guard and Reserves they have a civilian job and the military is a secondary job that pays very little. The Uniformed Services Employment and Reemployment Rights Act of 1994 (USERRA) was designed to protect Guard & Reservist from losing their civilian jobs while being called for active duty military service.  Employers are supposed to keep their jobs open for them while they are on Active Duty, but like everything congress does, there are loop holes. Some Guard and Reservists are injured while on active duty and are unable to continue working in their former capacity when they return. That allows an employer to terminate their position and not bring them back to their civilian job.

Like Active Duty, Guard & Reserve veterans can receive Veterans Administration (VA) disability, but often their disability paperwork takes months to process while they are making little if nothing while waiting on the VA system because they lost their civilian job. For many the disability pay is significantly less than what many were making as a civilian, causing a financial burden on the families. For those able to continue serving there appears to be no end in sight for Guard & Reservist families, it appears deployments will continue for a while.  Please support our forgotten military families while their spouse is deployed. That is just one little thing a community can give to those that give so much.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

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Families suffer from Veteran’s PTSD

Julie is the spouse of a Bosnia veteran. Michael served in Bosnia when the United States was on “A Peace Keeping Mission”. Julie does not understand why he struggles but believes Michael might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Julie incorrectly believes Michael has never seen combat because he was on a peace keeping mission. She has never pressed Michael into discussing his negative experiences, like many spouses she hears the positive and funny experiences but the bad experiences are left out. Michael is like many veterans, he discusses the fun things done in the military, leaving out negative experiences is the norm.

Julie notices her frustration builds when Michael refuses to attend her work events and parties. Julie continually feels embarrassed and makes excuses for Michael’s lack of attendance. Julie does not understand why Michael refuses to attend her work social functions. Her co-workers joke around with her and tell her they don’t believe she is married because no one has ever seen Michael. Julie is Michael’s second wife and was not married to him when he was in the Army. Michael divorced his first wife shortly after his return from Bosnia for reasons Michael said he could not explain.   

Michael continues to struggle and has been struggling for years with multiple (PTSD) symptoms which he refuses to acknowledge. Michael has refused to go to the Veterans Administration (VA) or any other mental health counseling for help because “there is nothing wrong with him and Julie is over exaggerating his symptoms”. Michael has attempted suicide on 2 occasions and displays risky behavior such as drinking and reckless driving, affairs and even drinking at the gun range. Michael has been unable to hold a job and uses alcohol to help deal with the nightmares and hypervigilance. He knows Julie is getting to the end of her rope. Julie just wants the person she thought she married. She feels fortunate that they do not have children and questions marrying Michael.

Many military and veteran’s spouses do not understand or want to understand PTSD. Veteran and active duty spouses and children continue to suffer from the effects of PTSD long after the wars are over. In many cases PTSD victims are growing in number because the family is living in a heightened state of arousal. Spouses and their children can develop PTSD from being married to PTSD. Many times there is domestic violence, and violent nightmares causing the spouse to be attacked by her veteran. It has been proven children living with a veteran have more behavioral problems. These children see domestic violence, use of drugs and alcohol, and can live in a very volatile situation. There is a good chance these children will grow up with high anxiety. These children take their “normal” into their adult relationships causing the symptoms of PTSD to move from generation to generation. Some worry about what is happening to their children and don’t know what to do.  Many spouses feel they can’t stay and they can’t go. What will their families, co-workers, and society think if they leave a struggling veteran, worse….a ‘hero’?  

It is important that military members, veterans, and their families seek qualified professionals to educate them concerning PTSD. There are several places to get help, the question is who is doing the education? Counseling is the best option, but many veterans like Michael will not go to counseling due to the stigma. Another option is friends and the internet. So many times spouses do not want friends to know how they feel or how bad things in their family have gotten. The internet can be non-intrusive and informative under the right circumstances but is full of inaccurate information given by non-professionals. Just because something worked for one family does not mean it will work for your family. Good professional internet resources can help families understand abnormal PTSD behavior. Knowing the source and vetting the source is important. Becoming educated about PTSD can help in the healing process for both the veteran and their families, but it can seem overwhelming. Learning what to do is important, it is more important to know how to implement what has been taught. This is the problem with many sources on the internet they tell you what to do, but not how to do it and what to look for.   

Often veterans do not trust the VA because they have been treated badly by their government and the VA is just another branch of the government. A spouse must understand that mistrust is a major problem for those suffering from PTSD. When spouses are armed with education and love, they can be a great motivator in her veteran getting help. But love is not enough! Since the VA does not work with families unless the veterans is in treatment, the spouse must often go it alone. It can be a long journey, but PTSD can be managed.  If you feel you are “Married to PTSD” rather than the man you thought you married, reach out for support and education.  Julie sought help from a qualified professional and now understands why Michael struggles to attend her work related events. I worked with Julie for months and helped her notice Michael’s PTSD symptoms and implement strategies to help their relationship. Julie now knows what she sees and what to do about it when Michael’s PTSD symptoms flare up. Today, Julie can say to her co-workers that Michael does not like crowds and she can move on without feeling that Michael is letting her down. The education and understanding how to implement what she has learned has helped their relationship. Julie is working on not being resentful because she understands why Michael needs to control his environment.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

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Veterans Families Serve Also

Image Source: Flickr

Sandy is a remarkable 11-year-old young lady. She has a special needs brother and tries to be a good older sister to him. Her father is in the Air Force reserves and consistently gone from home. Her mother works full time and goes to college causing Sandy to struggle with her position in the family and her perceived responsibility to help her mother take care of her brother especially when her father is deployed. Sandy, like her mother suffers when her father comes home not knowing where she fits in with her duties once her father returns.  Her brother takes a lot of her mother’s time when she’s not working or in school so Sandy steps in to help while her father is gone. Sandy must work through the constant upheaval of her father coming and going, with the rules changing every time he leaves and comes home. Sandy is an especially bright and smart young lady, reading 3 levels above her current grade. She frequently has a fantasy life and “lives in her head” because its feels safe for her, especially when her dad is gone. Even with all the added responsibility she feels she is surviving and thriving. She reads every chance she gets as an escape. Her mother stated that Sandy is sometimes too smart for an 11 year old. Her case is not unique. Many children of Active Duty, Guard, and Reserves parents deal with similar issues, the consistent upheaval of their family’s lives due to military requirements are the norm for them. Sandy has found a constructive way to deal with her feelings by reading and living in her fantasy world. Many people say that Sandys way of dealing with her situation is not good for her, but it seems to work for her right now. Many children don’t find a positive way to work through the loneliness and requirements like Sandy. Some children negatively act out having trouble with day to day life and struggling with school  

Children of military members suffer with the coming and going of their parents. Children’s reactions to deployment, parental concerns, and the effects of reintegration increase family stress.  Children’s emotional and behavioral reactions change as they try to adjust to the unstable environment of their parent being deployed. In some cases, children become resentful of their parents because they don’t understand why they are consistently coming or going, in others children place their deployed parent on a pedestal. It has been proven that absent parents create social and academic declines in children, no matter the reason. This instability can cause a gamut of problems for the children. These problems can filter down to the family. Often younger military children do not understand where their parents are or what’s going on.  Worrying about their parent is normal for a veteran’s child to work through, especially for teenagers. Different children react differently, to some the possibility of losing a parent is real. Children are smarter than we give them credit for, many of them know exactly what’s going on and try to emotionally separate themselves from the parent who deploys. These children continually struggle with the uncertainty every time their parent leaves, unfortunately this is the family’s life while their family is a military one. Being a parent is tough enough, but being a part time single parent with the consistent coming and going of the spouse is frustrating for everyone involved. 

The military has their own take on families, if they had wanted you to have a family; they would have issued you one. Supposedly that has changed, married military members number 52%, Dual military (military married to military) are 12%. Military personal are more likely to be married than civilian peers because of the benefits of being married while in the military. The lure of more pay, better housing, free utilities, and more freedom looks appealing to many military members. Many people enter the military single and marry young. Eighteen to twenty-four-year-old males are twice as likely to get married while in the military. This can cause its own problems.

Young spouses are often left at home with no family nearby while their spouse is deployed. This opens the door for depression among many other psychological effects on these young spouses. These families must deal with the consistent leaving and returning of their family member often to a war zone or a dangerous situation. This constant in and out can cause several issues within the family. Deployed spouses lose their place in the family unit, they can feel un-needed when they return. The disruption in the family can be profound. In many cases the military member returns and the spouse has changed the way they do things. Repeatedly deployed military members struggle fitting in when they return home. It’s important to note, the military member comes back a different person than when they left, some suffering from the battles of war. The stay at home spouse wants to keep things the same and the returning spouse want’s things the way they were. The children struggle and sometimes feel they need to take sides, often siding with the deployed parent because of the separation anxiety caused by the deployment. Some children do the exact opposite and resent their parent for being deployed. When the military member is deployed spouses experience loss of emotional support, increased responsibility and a need to re-adjust their role. This causes anxiety, anger, depression, and even physical illness to both the spouse and their children.

Frequently the parent’s ideas on how to handle the children and the day to day operations at home upon the return of the military member are at odds with each other. Divorce rates are higher for military members than civilians. Some families feel the deployments strengthen their marriages while in the military. For some it’s great during the honeymoon period until the military member brings the war home, and the “new” spouse shows themselves. Other families continue their path before deployment and live a “normal” life. Once the family leaves the security of the military, the divorce rates increase and are higher than civilians of the same age. Being married in the military has multiple benefits. These benefits include pay security, and medical care. Once members leave military that security goes away, causing stress and sometimes bringing marital problems to the forefront.

World War II, Korean War, and Vietnam veterans feel social support from comrades, wives, and family members were the key to lifelong coping with their military service. Members of today’s military are more likely to be married with children than predecessors when on active duty. This causes families to play a bigger role while their loved ones are deployed. The modern military still recruits individuals, but retains or fails to retain families. No one joins the military and stays the same. Military families give up a lot to support the military member. The deploying spouse’s family life changes, and the stay at home spouse’s life continues while the military member is deployed. I met a veteran who made a statement that hit the nail on the head, “I am not the hero, my wife is the hero; she stayed home and raised the kids while I was gone”. The families of our military and veterans have given and give a lot to this country. Next time you see a military family, or you see a family with someone wearing their veteran clothing, thank the families too. They deserve your respect.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

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