Suicide: Not Just for Veterans Anymore

I was approached by one of my students who had received some bad, her friend Emma had committed suicide the day of class. My student, Jan was in the US Army and had become close to Emma because she used to keep her kids while Jan was working. Jan had just talked to Emma 2 days prior and said there was no indication of her thinking about committing suicide. Jan was aware that Emma’s husband Michael had developed PTSD after 2 combat tours, that created an added pressure on their relationship but Jan thought it would blow over. Jan acknowledged that Emma had helped her raise her kids and was like a second mother to them and she worried how Emma’s death would affect her children. Like most military families separated from their biological family Emma was a part of Jan’s military family. Jan had heard about the suicide from another friend through their extensive network. Jan kept trying to call Michael to find what was going on. After multiple calls and panicked messages Michael finally picked the phone up and talked to her. Michael had come home with their 7-year-old daughter and found Emma hanging in the hallway. Jan was concerned about Emma and Michael’s 7-year-old daughter, she was also concerned about what she was going to tell her own children who knew Emma well. We discussed how she could have a conversation about Emma’s death with her own children. Unfortunately, Jan and Emma’s situation is not abnormal. Many military and veteran’s spouses commit suicide because of having to live with the effects of PTSD on their family.    

After multiple deployments, spouses living with someone having PTSD must hold the family together. Studies have shown spouses of active duty and military veterans have a higher rate of suicidal thoughts than their civilian counterparts, especially those who are caregivers and support of the wounded veteran. This is not the first generation of military families to deal with deployments, however, there is no precedence for studying multiple deployments and its effects on families. With the military and Veterans Administration’s (VA) limitations on helping spouses, there’s little help for family members dealing with a loved one having PTSD. The clinicians who work for the military and VA are up to their necks dealing with the active duty and veterans themselves, they must place their emphasis on those in uniform or veterans. They have little if no time for spouses.

There are a lot of military families who do not know anything but wartime, so living in wartime is their normal. It’s not just the spouses of active duty or veterans who suffer from the effects of PTSD, their children struggle also. Recent research has also shown that military connected adolescents also have a higher rate of suicidal thoughts than the civilian counterparts. Being an adolescent is tough, but it is even tougher on those living with someone who has PTSD.  

There are subtle differences between active duty, spouses, and family members living with PTSD. One of the biggest differences is active duty family members fear seeking help, for fear it will hurt their spouse’s careers. Spouses struggle with the stigma associated with mental health just like their veteran loved one. In military and veteran culture seeking mental health help is a sign of weakness so they do not ask any help. Also, families who are still active duty continually struggle with deployments and continually wait for the next time their spouse or parent will deploy to a warzone again.

When our society discuss suicide in our veteran community, we don’t discuss the effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) on someone who is married to PTSD like Emma was. Our society is so focused on the 1 active duty and 20 Veteran who commit suicide every day. We don’t pay attention to the spouses and family members who commit suicide because of the issues brought on by living with someone who has PTSD. There must be something done about the family members suicides. The spouses and family members who are thinking about or have committed suicide deserve to be looked at as a cost of war, just like their military / veteran spouses. So often the spouses and family members turn to the government for help with little to no success. They are forced to turn to clinicians in the private sector because of the lack of help by the government who caused their problem. But so often family members believe these clinicians are ill-prepared to hear or understand what is happening in their military and veteran families. There are civilian military veterans and family members who are clinicians, just look for them. Also, many civilian clinicians understand and treat PTSD families daily, give them a chance to help you.

Presently there is no indication that the Department of Defense (DOD) or the VA is tracking the number of military family members who commit suicide. There is also no indication the DOD or VA will start serving family members. That leaves us to look after each other. Also, it is important for family members who are struggling to seek help from the civilian’s if they need help, you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge. September is suicide awareness month. Remember don’t be scared to ask a loved one or a friend if they are thinking about suicide. You might just save their life! 

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Veterans Need to Utilize Their Best Weapons

I was talking to an officer of a local Veteran Service Organization (VSO) about how the Veterans Administration (VA) operates when it comes to input from veteran’s family members for medical needs. I have been told by several sources that spouses are not allowed into the room with the veteran to see doctors at the VA. The VSO representative informed me that he has not had that problem, his wife attends all his appointments when she comes to the VA with him. Apparently, there are different rules depending on the situation and doctor. I recently was told by a friend that she could not go into the room with her father who suffered from Agent Orange in Vietnam. When her father was called, she got up to go to with him. She was told she couldn’t come in with him. Her father plainly stated, if she doesn’t come neither do I. She was only allowed into his appointment because he insisted. In many cases, it appears spouses and family members can go to appointments at the VA if the veteran insists. It seems the issue is with the veteran not wanting their family member to go into the appointment with them. Veterans often fear being vulnerable in front of their family members, especially when it comes to mental health issues.  

I agree that family members do not need to go with the veteran to their mental health therapy sessions. Veterans might not speak freely with a family member attending. Dealing with mental health issues can be scary for everyone, especially veterans who have the “suck it up and deal with it” attitude. Feeling they are weak is a major concern for many veterans when working through their mental health demons. Many veterans feel shame or guilt about what they had to do while in the combat zone, therapy sessions are not a place for family members.

However, when it comes to seeing the psychiatrist that is a different story. Most psychiatrists do not do talk therapy and only deal with mental health medication. It can be important to have someone who lives with the veteran in the room to help answer questions about the side effects of the medications has on the veteran. Those who live with the veteran see subtle problems many veterans might miss. Family members, especially spouses look at the veteran with a different eye than veterans look at themselves. Often these spouses see the veteran as they navigate their day, family members can notice subtle changes that might be important when dealing with psychotropic medication. By allowing the spouse or family member to talk to the psychiatrist with them it can help the doctor get the whole picture and make the appropriate adjustments to their medication. With medical doctor’s, family members can get information to help the veteran stay on track and do as the doctor orders. Often it comes down to veterans not wanting to be “nagged” because they want to do what they want and not have to follow doctors’ orders. By letting family members come in, it means the veterans must be vulnerable and trust their family members, a tall order for some veterans.

These family members have stuck with their veteran, many have earned the right to hear the story.  Veterans must work through their time in combat. At times the shame, guilt, and breaking of their moral code to survive weighs heavy on them. When veteran’s family members understand the situation, they can help the veteran get their life back. This can allow the veteran to live the happy life they deserve and earned. Leaving the baggage of military service behind can be a struggle for some. For most it can be done with therapy and support of their spouse or family.    

If veterans will let them, families can be a veteran’s biggest allies. Veterans often struggle to break out their most important weapon in their arsenal, their spouse or family members. There is nothing fiercer than a pissed off spouse, mother, father, brother, sister, or grandchild because they feel their loved one is being treated unfairly. Veterans should weaponize their spouses and family members, give them the power of trust, and let them speak up when they feel the need. But to weaponize family member’s veterans must let them into their lives completely, this includes seeing the doctor with them for medical and medication issues even if the VA says no and tries to keep them out. Veterans family members live with them, it is only right we let them into our lives and utilize their weaponry, their insight and knowledge, to help everyone live a happier life they have earned and deserve.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Veterans and Their Families Have Mental Health Options

As a clinician I hear allot of stories that bring light to the severity of the mental health situation plaguing our veterans and their families. Mary is married to Doug, an Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF) / Operation Enduring Freedom (OEF) veteran. Doug served three combat tours, those tours have affected their relationship in some concerning ways. Mary and Doug have been married for 17 years and have 2 children, 16 and 14 years old. Doug was an Air Force Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO) commanding convoys while in the Iraqi theatre. He is now medically retired after 18 years of service due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Doug was trying to hold out for his 20 years to receive full retirement, but he could not contain and maintain his control of his PTSD for 2 more years, especially with another deployment looming. 

Mary, like many spouses are struggling to understand why Doug is so distant and will not open up to her like he used to. Many veterans don’t feel comfortable discussing their stories with their families and friends for fear of them not understanding. Veterans stories usually make them too vulnerable to tell anyone who has not been there. It is normal for spouses and families to struggle understanding what is going on with their loved ones. As Mary explained their problems I realized this is an ongoing theme in many veteran’s families. She feels the first two tours changed Doug, but the last tour changed his whole demeanor, she knows something happened, but not the specifics. Mary is struggling because he is not the same thoughtful, caring man and father she married seventeen years ago.

Doug commanded convoys moving supplies from the main base to Forward Operating Bases (FOB’s) in Iraq. During a convoy to a FOB they were hit by an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) and subsequently started taking small arms fire. In an instant Doug’s life changed forever, he lost one troop with two more injured. He received some minor injuries himself, but as all good NCO’s his concern was his troops. As he assessed the damage after the firefight he saw the carnage and the destruction of his troops and their equipment. He was in command of that convoy and bears the burden and guilt of those casualties. 

He struggles daily dealing with the guilt for not seeing the attack coming that killed and injured his troops. The realization that these troops were not much older than his own children continues to follow him. He continues to deal with survivor’s guilt and feels the need to contact his injured troops and the family of his lost troop, but he’s not ready to take that step, the guilt is too much for him. It was his job to protect his troops and he failed in his eyes. As time went on and he returned home to his family he tried to contain his symptoms from them and the Air Force. He started to drink heavily until Mary forced him to seek help. After getting help one of his greatest fears was realized, he was diagnosed with PTSD and medically discharged. He had lost his identity and was no longer a career Air Force NCO, he was Doug, a disabled veteran with no job to support his family. He has been unemployed since he received his medical retirement, making him feel useless. Doug went to the Veterans Administration (VA) for help and was placed on a waitlist, but eventually got into a group. After 12 group sessions and a few individual sessions he was told he had completed his treatment. He felt more was needed than he had gotten, but he didn’t push for more, the perception of the red tape and the feeling of discontent prevented him from seeking more help.

One of the common themes among many veterans is the distrust of the VA system. Who can blame them with the recent information about services? Many have trouble navigating the system because of their disabilities. This causes them to feel overwhelmed so they give up. Mary spent time exploring her options. As she looked around she saw other’s that were making moves to help veterans. Since the VA and Vet Centers offer limited services to families Mary found there was help outside the VA system.

Mary and Doug are now using one of these outside resources for help. They are still struggling but making progress. These outside resources understand the family is an integral part of the wellbeing of their veteran. They also understand that the families served and still serve their country by being married to Soldiers, Airman, Seamen, and Marine veterans. It is important that the military brats also get their due. They served by having their parents deployed for extended amount of time and missing a host of important events in their lives. These families still serve while dealing with the aftermath of war. These outside resources serve the whole family, not just the members. Many state and local communities offer services and support for veterans and their families. It is important that veterans and family members locate these services and utilize them.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

The Art of Self-Medicating

Brenda is an Iraqi freedom veteran who is 100% full and permanent disabled due to injuries suffered while in the Iraqi theatre of operations during the surge. Brenda suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as well as physical issues brought on by the Improvised Explosive Device (IED) that blew up her convoy. Like so many veterans, Brenda has a duel diagnosis. A duel diagnosis is when the veteran has a diagnosable mental health issue and a substance use disorder. One of the biggest issues mental health professionals who work with veterans, deal with is dual diagnosis. So often therapists must figure out if the symptoms are a mental health issue, or a substance abuse issue. To the untrained eye they can look similar, some having the same symptoms. Like many other veterans with physical and mental disabilities, Brenda uses marijuana and alcohol when it comes to trying to control her PTSD symptoms. She also uses the opioids given to her by the Veterans Administration (VA) for the pain. The problem is the cocktail of alcohol, marijuana, and opioids can lead to other issues, such as dependence or even death under the wrong circumstances.  

So many veterans turn to marijuana or alcohol to work through their issues concerning PTSD. Many veterans do not like to take the psychotropic medication given them by the VA because they don’t like the way it makes them feel, so they turn to alcohol or illicit drugs such as methamphetamines, cocaine, and various other narcotics. Veterans often choose alcohol because it is acceptable in the veteran/military culture. With the veteran culture, it is easy to hide the self-medicating because drinking is the “norm”. No one says anything about getting a beer or an alcoholic drink, it is the culture. With the recent legalization of marijuana in many states, marijuana is now becoming accepted just like alcohol. Many times, it is hard to tell if a person is self-medicating. Noticing the problem of drug and alcohol use can be difficult. Family and friends want to believe the user when they say there’s not a problem. Those who suffer from dependence of drugs and alcohol are good at hiding it. After a while it appears to become a game and seen as an art form by some, with the elaborate excuses and denials the user comes up with. When alcohol and marijuana doesn’t do the trick, and prescription drugs are unavailable veterans turn to the use of illicit drugs.    

For the most part, illicit drugs are not an acceptable way to self-medicate while on Active Duty, in the Guard or Reserves. Often service members use alcohol because using illicit drugs to self-medicate can get a service member a dishonorable or other than honorable discharge that can go with them the rest of their lives. It is at a last resort that a military member uses illicit drugs while in the military. What they do is turn to prescription drugs when they can get them. The military has a history of giving out prescription drugs to keep soldiers available to deploy.      

The misuse of prescription drugs within the military and veteran communities is rampant. So many veterans with PTSD, anxiety, and depression turn to the use of whatever they can get to deal with their issues. The option is often prescription medication such as opioids. With roughly a third of the Army on prescription medications, branches of the military are starting to try and curb the use of prescription medications and limit their availability. For some it is too late and they move on to the VA to continue the cycle. A multitude of veterans don’t trust the VA, so they use what they can, alcohol and other illicit drugs.     

The mistrust of the VA and the system is warranted in some cases. I have talked to several veterans that refuse to utilize the VA because they are worried they will lose their benefits because they use marijuana for their PTSD. Concerning marijuana, the VA feels minimal clinical research testing has been done on any combination of illicit drugs, especially marijuana. According to the VA controlled studies have not been conducted to evaluate the safety or effectiveness of medical marijuana for PTSD. The VA feels there’s no evidence that marijuana is an effective treatment for PTSD. It is easy to see how Brenda has gotten caught up in the self-medicating quagmire, for her the use of marijuana helps with her PTSD, and trying to convince her that it’s not, is futile.

For many veterans, the self-medicating is real. The VA needs to step up and accept that. If they want veterans to stop self-medicating they need to accept the fact that it’s happening and do something about it. Veterans are doing the best they can when dealing with their physical and mental issues, and using illicit drugs and alcohol is what they are doing. The VA needs to stop preaching and start treating veterans who self-medicate.  I know the VA is trying to get a marijuana trial off the ground, but that is a conversation for another day.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Thank You for Your Service

Every veteran I know is proud of their military service. Some veterans don’t want to be recognized for their military service, and some, like me. are ok standing out. Since the wars began in 2001 I've seen more and more people wearing military veteran patches, hats, and stickers on their cars. It appears that a lot veterans have become accustomed to being appreciated and recognized for their sacrifices. This is especially true for Vietnam veterans who were treated so badly when they returned home from the jungle, even veterans who did not serve in Vietnam were treated badly just because they wore the uniform. Each member looks at their military service differently. One of the most recent things I have seen is how different veterans approach the “thank you for your service” comment and how it affects them.

I struggled for a long time not knowing how to answer someone thanking me for my service, it kind of made me uncomfortable. There are those who love being thanked, those who hate it, and those who just ignore it. In my opinion, the Vietnam era veterans are the vets who deserve to be thanked the most because they were treated so badly upon their return. They were spit on, yelled at, and called all kinds of names by people who had no clue about what they’re talking about. I am glad that our society has come around to understand that Vietnam veterans were doing their job and doing what they had to do to get back to their family safe, which is what every person would have done put in the same situation.

The veteran’s that get overlooked most are the non-combat veterans. These veterans feel they don't deserve credit for their time in service. So few in this country have given a part of their life to their country. These non-combat veterans also deserve credit, they signed their name on the line to give their life for this country just like combat veterans did. It doesn't matter whether a veteran was drafted, or volunteered, they deserve to be thanked for their service as much as anyone else.

A lot of our newer veterans have seen so much combat because of so many combat tours. Our newest veterans are the ones who have been forced by the military to take more than one tour. These men and women have volunteered to serve our country and deserve to be thanked for their service too. Each veteran generation is different and looks at their service differently. I know when I was in the military I didn’t want any recognition, I just wanted to go to work and come home. Now that I'm retired and miss the camaraderie. I often seek out other military veterans to have conversations. I wear my hat, designating my veteran status because it’s something I am proud of. But not all veterans seek out the recognition that some of us do.

There are times civilians need to be mindful because we don’t know what we're thanking them for. Generally, during combat, everyone must do things they're not proud of, to survive and get back home to their families. Often combat veterans must deal with things for the rest of their lives that they had to do during war. People who have never been in the military don’t always understand why they did what they had to do. By thanking them for their service you may be thanking them for something they're ashamed of or struggling with. Its important civilians understands that it can be complicated for the vet to be thanked for their service.

I've talked to several veterans over the years and some are okay with people walking up to them and thanking them. Some veterans refuse to wear any clothing that indicates any part of the military because they do not want to be approached by strangers. I know when I first started getting thanked my service I was uncomfortable because to me I was just doing my job just like everyone else who has served. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to act, and I felt a little embarrassed to be honest. I now handle it by saying thank you and just leave it at that. The best way I have been approached was by someone telling me they liked my veteran’s hat. So often the person that thanks me is another military veteran and a I usually ask what branch they were in, starting up a conversation. These conversations are fun for me because I missed the camaraderie and I get a little bit of it when I'm talking to other veterans. I don't like it when people interrupt my dinner but other than that I have become accustom to being approached. My guess is if a person is wearing military paraphernalia then they're okay to approach and thank for their service.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Telling Your Story Can Be Important

Vicki is the spouse of a Vietnam veteran. She is Sam’s second wife and they have been married for 20 years. When Sam and Vicki were first married everything was great. As they began to age Vicki started to notice Sam’s demeanor changing. Major changes in Sam’s attitude came about a year after he retired. Vicki confronted Sam on his behavior, Sam told her there was nothing wrong, she was being over sensitive. Vicki disagreed with Sam and turned to his 40-year-old daughter Samantha because she needed to enlist her help to get Sam help. Vicki told Samantha about Sam’s recent increase in alcohol use and how she worried Sam was headed down a bad path. Samantha confronted Sam about his drinking which made Sam mad. Sam really became upset when he found out Vicki had been talking to his daughter about his “alleged” problem that he felt did not exist. Vicki, felt she had done what she needed to do and stood her ground. Was Vicki right to talk to Samantha? Did she tell her too much? How much or how little you tell someone depends on the situation, and every situation can be different.  

Being effective at telling your story is an art. It can be difficult to tell family members what is happening with your relationship. In Vicki’s case she told her step-daughter Samantha what was happening with her dad. Sam’s drinking had increased since he retired. Vicki disclosed to Samantha that Sam had started spending more time at the Veterans of Foreign War (VFW) drinking than he spent with her. Sam had never treated Vicki this way until recently and Vicki was at a loss as to what to do. Vicki did not turn to her children because they might not understand that Sam’s PTSD had re-surfaced since his retirement. Vicki turned to Samantha because Sam and Samantha are so close, he might listen to her. It appears the idea to talk to Samantha backfired. Sam felt Vicki told his daughter too many details about their relationship, making the situation worse. Learning how to tell your story is important, even to family. Often details are not important so leaving them out is OK. Telling family your situation is one thing, but explaining to a friend is another.  

It can be embarrassing for friends to know what is going on in your relationship. It’s hard for Vicki to explain why Sam doesn’t accompany her to events anymore. Vicki made excuses for Sam’s absences for months. After a while she stopped going to events because she did not want to explain her situation with Sam to her friends. After a while Vicki felt she needed to explain what is going on with Sam, unlike Samantha this time she left out the details. Her friends understood and started to engage Sam hoping to help. It is human nature to want to explain the details. It can be hard to leave them out and it takes practice. The real struggle comes when you have to explain to a stranger your situation.       

At times there is a need to tell a stranger your story. For instance, a therapist, or other helping professional or another wife dealing with the same issues. A random stranger on Facebook does not have a need to know.  Opening up and sharing our story is a powerful way to connect and be supported.  However, this can also be very stressful because of the stigma attached to mental illness. People like to ask questions. When strangers ask, telling them as much or as little as you want is your option. There is a balance to disclosing personal information, finding your disclosure level is different for everyone. Finding that balance is important. If you tell every detail, you might overwhelm them, which will cause disconnect, if you don’t tell them anything they might feel you are hiding something and judge you, also causing disconnection. The goal here is to connect by telling your story, telling the details that will connect you to another person, making important decisions about who you will tell your story to, and the reason you are telling that particular person your story drives how much you tell of your story and which details to disclose.  These are decisions you need to make beforehand.  That will keep you and the person out of overwhelm and be more likely to facilitate connection.   

Unfortunately, mental illness such as PTSD is an invisible disability unlike a missing limb. When you tell your story about PTSD be prepared for people to not understand. Society looks at someone who is missing a limb or has a physical scar differently. Being able to tell your story without the details can save a lot of frustration. It is possible that telling your PTSD story can change people’s understanding of what is like to be married to someone with PTSD.      

How much or how little you tell anyone is up to you. So much of people’s lives are out in public and on social media today, people believe it is ok to push you to disclose to their satisfaction. You do not have to give in.  After WWII, Korea, and Vietnam when someone would ask what is going on with Sam, all you had to say was he was in the war, and the subject was usually dropped. It does not appear to be that way anymore. Whatever the situation, with family, friends, or strangers to be successful at telling your story you need to be a little vulnerable. But being vulnerable does not mean you have to get into every detail. You own your story; you do not need to tell all of the details unless you want to. When you discuss your story with anyone you need to think it through. You need to decide how much or how little to divulge before you talk to others. Also recognizing what parts of the story are yours and which are his.  Telling someone your husband has PTSD is very different from telling them the details of how he acquired the disorder. Your spouse has the right to tell their own story, and make decisions about which details to disclose, just as you do. Telling your spouse’s story may be overstepping, further straining the relationship. 

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

A Salute to Vietnam Veterans

Rusty was a Marine in Vietnam. I worked for his brother while I was in the Air Force. He was born and raised in Texas but decided to live in an area where there were less people. He was a strong man that never would ask for help, but you could tell there was something not quite right about his demeanor. He was a good man but grumpy most of the time. He never had children and had been married several times. He owned his own business so he could stay away from people and crowds. No one fully understood him except his brother, Sammy. Sammy was also a Vietnam veteran, Sammy’s job was an aircraft mechanic at Ton Son Nhut Air Base Vietnam, and was occasionally sent out to the jungle to retrieve parts and remains from downed aircraft. There were times Sammy had to remove pilots he knew.  

Rusty’s job was to re-supply troops on the front line and other forward operating units. These missions were usually done in a convoy, but that didn't make it any easier. These convoys were under consistent fire from the Vietcong day in and day out as they drove back and forth from their supply missions. It was a stressful job, during one of these missions Rusty was the lead truck. While Rusty was the lead truck, a woman stepped out into the road and tried to get Rusty to stop. His orders were to stop for no one. Rusty had to run over that woman standing in the road. What people struggle to understand, often there would be a sniper in the bushes ready to shoot the driver and take the supplies. When Rusty returned to the United States, like most Vietnam veterans, he was not met with open arms.

Many Vietnam veterans struggle with the way they were treated when they returned home. I know when I returned from Desert Storm the Vietnam veterans made sure we were treated well upon our homecoming. There are still Vietnam veterans today that struggle with the way they were treated by society when they returned and how the new veterans are being treated by society. I had one Vietnam veteran make the statement that “when we returned home we were spit on and threatened, now everyone of today's veterans are considered a hero and treated with respect”. I have talked to several people, both civilian and veterans, who feel today's veterans are treated well out of guilt for the way Vietnam veterans were treated when they came home. Many older veterans feel they have been overlooked. The reality is they have. It pains me to see Vietnam veterans struggle because they can't get the medical care, benefits, pay, and college that the newer generation veterans are receiving because of the work put in by the Vietnam era veterans.

The question is, how does society help the Vietnam veterans get what they have earned? Vietnam veterans have been used as a baseline to establish the criteria for posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I have heard that some Vietnam veterans have not been diagnosis for PTSD because it did not exist when they completed their service. The Veterans Administration (VA) will be struggling for a very long time dealing with our Vietnam veterans as they get older. As the Vietnam veterans get older some of the hidden issues they've buried for 40+ years are going to surface. The VA has been, and still is ill-prepared for the number of combat veterans in the United States. It is possible that it will be years before the VA can catch up to the need, if ever. Many of these brave men and women have not received the benefits they deserve from the VA; the question is who is going to help them if the VA is not able to?

There are places in the civilian sector where veterans can go for help. It is my suggestion that veterans who are struggling get the help, not give up and contact their local Veterans Service Organization to get the help they have earned. If it wasn't for veterans, the United States might not have the rights and freedoms we so cherish in our country. To all veterans I would like to say, thank you. To the Vietnam veterans I would like to say that I respect you more than you can ever know. You have earned that respect and always will have my respect because of the way you carried yourself after being treated badly upon your return. You are my brothers and sisters. Rusty and Sammy are both gone now, but they are a big reason I have chosen to do what I am doing, trying to help veterans and their families get the respect and benefits they deserve and have earned.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

How to Create a Better VA Experience

Gilbert is an Iraqi veteran with two combat tours who refused to utilize the Veterans Administration (VA) for benefits. I often spend a lot of time trying to get veterans to utilize the benefits they earned. When I mentioned the VA to Gilbert he started grumbling. He felt it was a waste of time. Every trip to the VA Gilbert ended up spending the entire day there and often didn’t get what he needed. Gilbert is not alone; a lot of veterans become wary when you mention the VA and for good reason. What veterans think when the VA is mentioned consist of negative media coverage and complaints from other veterans. Many go into the VA with unrealistic expectations for the huge bureaucracy.     

As Gilbert continued to complain about the VA he told me his wife was getting tired of his complaining and told him to do something or stop complaining. I asked Gilbert if he has a driver’s license? He said yes, then I asked if he had to go to DMV to get his license, he again said yes. I questioned Gilbert about what he didn’t like about going to DMV. He discussed waiting in line, the rudeness of the people, and the paperwork. I asked Gilbert why he put up with DMV? he said “I want to drive!” I then asked, do the complaints sound familiar?  I could see him starting to think.   

With the VA, we feel we are owed services. Veterans have earned these services and feel abandoned and betrayed by the system if they don’t get their needs met. Veterans don’t like feeling abandoned or betrayed so they stop going to the VA. To most veterans, the whole VA experience is frustrating and can be overwhelming. With DMV, we are taught driving is a privilege and not a right. We are not owed a driver’s license; we did not earn it from our service. We have different expectations for the VA than DMV and the difference in expectations can cost veterans thousands of dollars.     

Many veterans walk into the VA in a negative mood. By walking in with a negative mood you are increasing your chances of having a negative experience. Your experiences at the VA depend on your mood when you get in your car to go. If you get an attendant who is having a bad day you are likely to have a negative experience. Many of those that work at the VA spend all day dealing with people who feel bad and have poor attitudes. If a person at the counter has been dealing with negative people all day it is psychologly difficult for them to be in a good mood when they see you. I understand it is their job to be positive, but there are times it is difficult no matter who you are.

I am not making excuses for the VA. I am discussing the reality of the situation. Make your life easier by managing your expectations and your mood. Gilbert went back and stuck it out. He now gets an extra $651.00 because he fought for what he earned. Managing his mood and expectations psychologically helped him work through the VA system. Working through the system can be difficult but the VA controls your benefits. You can help yourself by having a positive attitude when you go to the VA. The VA controls your medical care, benefits, and disabilities claims. Why walk away from them and leave money you have earned on the table? Why are you struggling financially if you don’t have to?  I will offer some suggestions about creating a better experience at the VA.

How to manage your mood and expectations when dealing with the VA

1. Be pleasant to the person when you walk up to the counter, crack a joke, be sarcastic. It might put them in a better mood…. giving you a better experience. At times just a smile works!

2. If you can get an appointment get one. This helps a lot but not always. If possible I always take the day off and schedule all of my appointments on the same day if I can.

3. Mentally prepare yourself to be at the VA all day. Take a book, iPad, laptop, crossword, or Kindle, be prepared, if you are done sooner than expected all the better.

4. Have the correct paperwork. Do your research and make sure you have what you need with you. They are only doing their jobs, most employees do not like the bureaucracy either.

5. Understand that the claims department does not necessarily talk to the medical department. What’s on your disability claim might not show up in your VA medical records. When dealing with your primary care physician make sure you have your disability information with you from ebenefits.

6. Do what they ask. They can only control what is in their area of expertise and can give you wrong information when pressed for an answer.

7. Don’t ask them to do things that are above their pay grade or control. You cannot expect any employee to do something that will get them a reprimand or cost them their jobs.

8. Be empathetic, many VA employees have been dealing with people who do not feel good all day.

9. Be understanding. I have talked to several employees at the VA and they are scared to point out obvious problems. Like the military, the employee can be labeled a troublemaker.

10. Asking questions is OK. Find the right person to ask, not everyone in the VA has the answers. In the military we are taught to not question authority. You are not in the military anymore.

11. Be ready to accept the stock answer to a question, “it depends on the situation” it’s their go to answer when they don’t want to or can’t answer your question.

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For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.