Some Veterans Struggle Over the Holidays

Everyone wants to enjoy the holidays, but for some veterans and their families the holidays are the most stressful time of the year. JoAnn’s family is one of those families. Joanne’s husband Steve, is a veteran who gets depressed and becomes aggressive over the holidays. Steve is triggered around the holidays and tries to stay away from extended family. Steve’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) holds him back from enjoying the holidays, and in turn causes JoAnn to dread the holidays. What Joanne is dealing with is not abnormal, thousands of families suffer from someone’s PTSD over the holidays. What’s different is Steve’s PTSD did not come from the military but his childhood. Every Christmas Steve must face the people who abused him as a child. Like so many people who have been abused by family members, Steve did not tell anyone about the abuse because of the shame, guilt and threats by the abuser. 

Like Steve, many people join the military to escape their home situation. Steve was raised in a domestically violent household and was abused by his uncle at age 8. Steve saw his mother beaten on several occasions, and he was the brunt of the abuse on multiple occasions. Steve, being the oldest of 3 children, felt the need to run interference for his siblings to protect them. At age 18 Steve had enough and went in the Army to escape the abusive situation. Steve now struggles with the holidays because he is pressured into spending time with those who abused him. He has guilt and shame to go along with his PTSD due to the abuse.

Many of those who were abused harbor ill feelings toward other family members who should have stopped the abuse. I have worked with multiple veteran’s who joined the military to escape their situation whether it’s domestic violence or sexual abuse. By forcing veterans to visit their families you may be triggering events that you did not know about, or understand. Some spouses know what happened to their veteran during childhood, but wonder why they struggle to attend family events with their family who did nothing to them. The veteran could be feeling they are betraying their family by spending time with yours and not theirs, often this puts them in a tough emotional situation.

As a therapist I understand all the different situations and the makeups of family systems. Families can be tough to deal with on a regular basis, add in the expectations brought on by the holidays and excess stress can become intolerable. The holidays can be a favorite time of the year for some, and the worst time for others. If your veteran struggles over the holidays there is usually a reason. Whether it comes from combat or childhood trauma, there are triggers everywhere for those who suffer from PTSD. By understanding the reasoning behind not wanting to go to family events and crowds, it can make both your lives easier and save a lot of frustration and fear for both of you. Just remember not all PTSD comes from military service. Some comes from family situations that has nothing to do with you or your family. The holidays can be tough on everyone, but it can also be a time of joy and happiness. If you or your spouse struggle over the holidays, please get help because you deserve to be happy and enjoy the holidays.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Think of Those Who Sacrifice for us Over the Holidays

Jack is a Marine with two tours in Iraq and struggles during the holidays. As a mental health clinician I see problems the general public don’t see, or want to see. The holidays are especially stressful to some military and veterans families, especially those dealing with deployments and the aftermath of those deployments. Being a combat veteran myself and being deployed for the birth of my second son, multiple Christmases, Thanksgivings, birthdays, ball games, recitals and anniversaries I understand the difficulties faced by these troops and their families. Jack was deployed to Iraq during the holidays for both tours and struggles this time of year. During his second tour his patrol was attacked resulting in the death of his troop Javier. Jack blames himself for the loss, he feels he didn’t have his “head in the game” because he believed he was distracted because of his family and lives with Javier’s death every day.  

Jack described the re-occurring thoughts and dreams of Javier’s death, who died in his arms two days after Christmas. He continually thinks of Javier, especially around the holidays. He has seen others die but he is especially troubled with Javier’s death because he knew him well, feels responsible, and he had a wife and two children. Routinely he contacts Javier’s widow to check on her and the children. Every Christmas he sends Javier’s family presents. He wears a bracelet with Javier’s name on it as a commitment to him and a reminder of his perceived “failures”.  Jack is consumed by survivor’s guilt and feels he doesn’t deserve to be happy, Javier’s children don’t have a father “because of him”. That is a tough thing to live with every day of your life. Every day he tries to cope while struggling with his own family and feeling guilty he is alive.  

Not all of us have a story like Jack’s. Many veterans have missed the holidays due to their service. One of the biggest sacrifices in the service to our country is the families of those deployed, they continually get overlooked. With deployments continually happening over the 12 years after Desert Storm and the 16 years of war, many military families have had to deal with 28 years of multiple deployments to the Middle East and various other locations. Many families are used to their loved ones being gone over the holidays, it’s what’s required and what they do.  During my 20 years in the Air Force I only missed 3 Thanksgivings and Christmases because of deployments. Those deployments were tougher on my family than me, I was too busy and continued to work.

In allot of cases the families continue to move on, some feel guilt, some are angry, some are use to it, and some struggle to hold the family together. The holidays are always a stressful time of year for most families, place a loved one in a war zone and the stress is three fold. Some visit relatives while the member is deployed, some stay at their military base or in their community. Either way these families are struggling to hold their relationships and children together. Many younger children do not understand why daddy is not home for the holidays, it’s hard on everyone. 

Jack is working on moving forward in his life, he is finally getting counseling, but many veterans continue to struggle beside their families. Jack is lucky, his wife is very supportive and understanding. She has every reason to leave but doesn’t even though he is not the man she married. She is just as brave as Jack.

I would like everyone to think about those military members, families, and veterans who are serving or served our country over the holidays. Think of those families who’s loved ones are deployed. Think of those families that have lost loved ones and will never have them home again. Think of those that were wounded and will never have their life the way it was, and also think about those that have lost their buddies and live with the guilt. Think about the spouses and children of those who went to war and came back a different person. To some veterans and their families the holidays are tough on them. If you know of a friend or family member struggling, encourage them get help, it’s just a phone call away. Support them when you can, especially the holidays.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Think of Those Who Sacrifice for us Over the Holidays

Jack is a Marine with two tours in Iraq and struggles during the holidays. As a mental health clinician I see problems the general public don’t see, or want to see. The holidays are especially stressful to some military and veterans families, especially those dealing with deployments and the aftermath of those deployments. Being a combat veteran myself and being deployed for the birth of my second son, multiple Christmases, Thanksgivings, birthdays, ball games, recitals and anniversaries I understand the difficulties faced by these troops and their families. Jack was deployed to Iraq during the holidays for both tours and struggles this time of year. During his second tour his patrol was attacked resulting in the death of his troop Javier. Jack blames himself for the loss, he feels he didn’t have his “head in the game” because he believed he was distracted because of his family and lives with Javier’s death every day.  

Jack described the re-occurring thoughts and dreams of Javier’s death, who died in his arms two days after Christmas. He continually thinks of Javier, especially around the holidays. He has seen others die but he is especially troubled with Javier’s death because he knew him well, feels responsible, and he had a wife and two children. Routinely he contacts Javier’s widow to check on her and the children. Every Christmas he sends Javier’s family presents. He wears a bracelet with Javier’s name on it as a commitment to him and a reminder of his perceived “failures”.  Jack is consumed by survivor’s guilt and feels he doesn’t deserve to be happy, Javier’s children don’t have a father “because of him”. That is a tough thing to live with every day of your life. Every day he tries to cope while struggling with his own family and feeling guilty he is alive.  

Not all of us have a story like Jack’s. Many veterans have missed the holidays due to their service. One of the biggest sacrifices in the service to our country is the families of those deployed, they continually get overlooked. With deployments continually happening over the 12 years after Desert Storm and the 16 years of war, many military families have had to deal with 28 years of multiple deployments to the Middle East and various other locations. Many families are used to their loved ones being gone over the holidays, it’s what’s required and what they do.  During my 20 years in the Air Force I only missed 3 Thanksgivings and Christmases because of deployments. Those deployments were tougher on my family than me, I was too busy and continued to work.

In allot of cases the families continue to move on, some feel guilt, some are angry, some are use to it, and some struggle to hold the family together. The holidays are always a stressful time of year for most families, place a loved one in a war zone and the stress is three fold. Some visit relatives while the member is deployed, some stay at their military base or in their community. Either way these families are struggling to hold their relationships and children together. Many younger children do not understand why daddy is not home for the holidays, it’s hard on everyone. 

Jack is working on moving forward in his life, he is finally getting counseling, but many veterans continue to struggle beside their families. Jack is lucky, his wife is very supportive and understanding. She has every reason to leave but doesn’t even though he is not the man she married. She is just as brave as Jack.

I would like everyone to think about those military members, families, and veterans who are serving or served our country over the holidays. Think of those families who’s loved ones are deployed. Think of those families that have lost loved ones and will never have them home again. Think of those that were wounded and will never have their life the way it was, and also think about those that have lost their buddies and live with the guilt. Think about the spouses and children of those who went to war and came back a different person. To some veterans and their families the holidays are tough on them. If you know of a friend or family member struggling, encourage them get help, it’s just a phone call away. Support them when you can, especially the holidays.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Some Veterans Struggle Over the Holidays

Everyone wants to enjoy the holidays, but for some veterans and their families the holidays are the most stressful time of the year. JoAnn’s family is one of those families. Joanne’s husband Steve, is a veteran who gets depressed and becomes aggressive over the holidays. Steve is triggered around the holidays and tries to stay away from extended family. Steve’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) holds him back from enjoying the holidays, and in turn causes JoAnn to dread the holidays. What Joanne is dealing with is not abnormal, thousands of families suffer from someone’s PTSD over the holidays. What’s different is Steve’s PTSD did not come from the military but his childhood. Every Christmas Steve must face the people who abused him as a child. Like so many people who have been abused by family members, Steve did not tell anyone about the abuse because of the shame, guilt and threats by the abuser. 

Like Steve, many people join the military to escape their home situation. Steve was raised in a domestically violent household and was abused by his uncle at age 8. Steve saw his mother beaten on several occasions, and he was the brunt of the abuse on multiple occasions. Steve, being the oldest of 3 children, felt the need to run interference for his siblings to protect them. At age 18 Steve had enough and went in the Army to escape the abusive situation. Steve now struggles with the holidays because he is pressured into spending time with those who abused him. He has guilt and shame to go along with his PTSD due to the abuse.

Many of those who were abused harbor ill feelings toward other family members who should have stopped the abuse. I have worked with multiple veteran’s who joined the military to escape their situation whether it’s domestic violence or sexual abuse. By forcing veterans to visit their families you may be triggering events that you did not know about, or understand. Some spouses know what happened to their veteran during childhood, but wonder why they struggle to attend family events with their family who did nothing to them. The veteran could be feeling they are betraying their family by spending time with yours and not theirs, often this puts them in a tough emotional situation.

As a therapist I understand all the different situations and the makeups of family systems. Families can be tough to deal with on a regular basis, add in the expectations brought on by the holidays and excess stress can become intolerable. The holidays can be a favorite time of the year for some, and the worst time for others. If your veteran struggles over the holidays there is usually a reason. Whether it comes from combat or childhood trauma, there are triggers everywhere for those who suffer from PTSD. By understanding the reasoning behind not wanting to go to family events and crowds, it can make both your lives easier and save a lot of frustration and fear for both of you. Just remember not all PTSD comes from military service. Some comes from family situations that has nothing to do with you or your family. The holidays can be tough on everyone, but it can also be a time of joy and happiness. If you or your spouse struggle over the holidays, please get help because you deserve to be happy and enjoy the holidays.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.