Think of Those Who Sacrifice for us Over the Holidays

Jack is a Marine with two tours in Iraq and struggles during the holidays. As a mental health clinician I see problems the general public don’t see, or want to see. The holidays are especially stressful to some military and veterans families, especially those dealing with deployments and the aftermath of those deployments. Being a combat veteran myself and being deployed for the birth of my second son, multiple Christmases, Thanksgivings, birthdays, ball games, recitals and anniversaries I understand the difficulties faced by these troops and their families. Jack was deployed to Iraq during the holidays for both tours and struggles this time of year. During his second tour his patrol was attacked resulting in the death of his troop Javier. Jack blames himself for the loss, he feels he didn’t have his “head in the game” because he believed he was distracted because of his family and lives with Javier’s death every day.  

Jack described the re-occurring thoughts and dreams of Javier’s death, who died in his arms two days after Christmas. He continually thinks of Javier, especially around the holidays. He has seen others die but he is especially troubled with Javier’s death because he knew him well, feels responsible, and he had a wife and two children. Routinely he contacts Javier’s widow to check on her and the children. Every Christmas he sends Javier’s family presents. He wears a bracelet with Javier’s name on it as a commitment to him and a reminder of his perceived “failures”.  Jack is consumed by survivor’s guilt and feels he doesn’t deserve to be happy, Javier’s children don’t have a father “because of him”. That is a tough thing to live with every day of your life. Every day he tries to cope while struggling with his own family and feeling guilty he is alive.  

Not all of us have a story like Jack’s. Many veterans have missed the holidays due to their service. One of the biggest sacrifices in the service to our country is the families of those deployed, they continually get overlooked. With deployments continually happening over the 12 years after Desert Storm and the 16 years of war, many military families have had to deal with 28 years of multiple deployments to the Middle East and various other locations. Many families are used to their loved ones being gone over the holidays, it’s what’s required and what they do.  During my 20 years in the Air Force I only missed 3 Thanksgivings and Christmases because of deployments. Those deployments were tougher on my family than me, I was too busy and continued to work.

In allot of cases the families continue to move on, some feel guilt, some are angry, some are use to it, and some struggle to hold the family together. The holidays are always a stressful time of year for most families, place a loved one in a war zone and the stress is three fold. Some visit relatives while the member is deployed, some stay at their military base or in their community. Either way these families are struggling to hold their relationships and children together. Many younger children do not understand why daddy is not home for the holidays, it’s hard on everyone. 

Jack is working on moving forward in his life, he is finally getting counseling, but many veterans continue to struggle beside their families. Jack is lucky, his wife is very supportive and understanding. She has every reason to leave but doesn’t even though he is not the man she married. She is just as brave as Jack.

I would like everyone to think about those military members, families, and veterans who are serving or served our country over the holidays. Think of those families who’s loved ones are deployed. Think of those families that have lost loved ones and will never have them home again. Think of those that were wounded and will never have their life the way it was, and also think about those that have lost their buddies and live with the guilt. Think about the spouses and children of those who went to war and came back a different person. To some veterans and their families the holidays are tough on them. If you know of a friend or family member struggling, encourage them get help, it’s just a phone call away. Support them when you can, especially the holidays.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

A Salute to Vietnam Veterans

Rusty was a Marine in Vietnam. I worked for his brother while I was in the Air Force. He was born and raised in Texas but decided to live in an area where there were less people. He was a strong man that never would ask for help, but you could tell there was something not quite right about his demeanor. He was a good man but grumpy most of the time. He never had children and had been married several times. He owned his own business so he could stay away from people and crowds. No one fully understood him except his brother, Sammy. Sammy was also a Vietnam veteran, Sammy’s job was an aircraft mechanic at Ton Son Nhut Air Base Vietnam, and was occasionally sent out to the jungle to retrieve parts and remains from downed aircraft. There were times Sammy had to remove pilots he knew while being shot at. The Viet Cong were known to sit on downed aircraft or bodies of Americans because they knew we would return for their brothers.  

Rusty’s job was to re-supply troops on the front line and forward operating units. These missions were usually done in a convoy, but that didn't make it any easier. These convoys were under consistent fire from the Vietcong day in and day out as they drove back and forth from their supply missions. It was a stressful job, during one of these missions Rusty was the lead truck. While Rusty was the lead truck on a mission a woman stepped out into the road and tried to get Rusty to stop. His orders were to stop for no one. Rusty had to run over that woman standing in the road. What people struggle to understand, often there would be a sniper ready to shoot the driver and take the supplies. When Rusty returned to the United States, like most Vietnam veterans, he was not met with open arms.

Many Vietnam veterans struggle with the way they were treated when they returned home. I know when I returned from Desert Storm the Vietnam veterans made sure we were treated well upon our homecoming. There are still Vietnam veterans today that struggle with the way they were treated by society when they returned, and how the new veterans are being treated by society. I had one Vietnam veteran make the statement that “when we returned home we were spit on and threatened, now all of today's veterans are considered a hero and treated with respect”. I have talked to several people, both civilian and veterans, who feel today's veterans are treated well out of guilt for the way Vietnam veterans were treated when they came home. Many older veterans feel they have been overlooked. The reality is they have. It pains me to see Vietnam veterans struggle because they can't get the medical care, benefits, pay, and college that the newer generation veterans are receiving because of the work put in by the Vietnam era veterans.

The question is how does society help the Vietnam veterans get what they have earned. Vietnam veterans have been used to establish the criteria for posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I have heard that some Vietnam veterans have not been diagnosis for PTSD because it did not exist when they completed their service. The Veterans Administration (VA) will be struggling for a very long time dealing with our Vietnam veterans as they get older. As the Vietnam veterans get older some of the hidden issues they've buried for 40+ years are going to surface. The VA has been, and still is ill-prepared for the number of combat veterans in the United States. It is possible that it will be years before the VA can catch up to the need, if ever. Many of these brave men and women have not received the benefits they deserve from the VA; the question is, who will help them if the VA is not able to?

There are places in the civilian sector where veterans can go for help. It is my suggestion that veterans who are struggling get the help, not give up and contact their local Veterans Service Organization to get the help they have earned. If it wasn't for veterans the United States might not have the rights and freedoms we so cherish in our country. To all veterans I would like to say, thank you. To the Vietnam veterans I would like to say that I respect you more than you can ever know. You have earned that respect and always will have my respect because of the way you carried yourself after the way you were treated upon your return. You are my brothers and sisters. Rusty and Sammy are both gone now, but they are a big reason I have chosen to do what I am doing, trying to help veterans and their families get the respect and benefits they deserve and have earned. 

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro. 

Think of Those Who Sacrifice for us Over the Holidays

Jack is a Marine with two tours in Iraq and struggles during the holidays. As a mental health clinician I see problems the general public don’t see, or want to see. The holidays are especially stressful to some military and veterans families, especially those dealing with deployments and the aftermath of those deployments. Being a combat veteran myself and being deployed for the birth of my second son, multiple Christmases, Thanksgivings, birthdays, ball games, recitals and anniversaries I understand the difficulties faced by these troops and their families. Jack was deployed to Iraq during the holidays for both tours and struggles this time of year. During his second tour his patrol was attacked resulting in the death of his troop Javier. Jack blames himself for the loss, he feels he didn’t have his “head in the game” because he believed he was distracted because of his family and lives with Javier’s death every day.  

Jack described the re-occurring thoughts and dreams of Javier’s death, who died in his arms two days after Christmas. He continually thinks of Javier, especially around the holidays. He has seen others die but he is especially troubled with Javier’s death because he knew him well, feels responsible, and he had a wife and two children. Routinely he contacts Javier’s widow to check on her and the children. Every Christmas he sends Javier’s family presents. He wears a bracelet with Javier’s name on it as a commitment to him and a reminder of his perceived “failures”.  Jack is consumed by survivor’s guilt and feels he doesn’t deserve to be happy, Javier’s children don’t have a father “because of him”. That is a tough thing to live with every day of your life. Every day he tries to cope while struggling with his own family and feeling guilty he is alive.  

Not all of us have a story like Jack’s. Many veterans have missed the holidays due to their service. One of the biggest sacrifices in the service to our country is the families of those deployed, they continually get overlooked. With deployments continually happening over the 12 years after Desert Storm and the 16 years of war, many military families have had to deal with 28 years of multiple deployments to the Middle East and various other locations. Many families are used to their loved ones being gone over the holidays, it’s what’s required and what they do.  During my 20 years in the Air Force I only missed 3 Thanksgivings and Christmases because of deployments. Those deployments were tougher on my family than me, I was too busy and continued to work.

In allot of cases the families continue to move on, some feel guilt, some are angry, some are use to it, and some struggle to hold the family together. The holidays are always a stressful time of year for most families, place a loved one in a war zone and the stress is three fold. Some visit relatives while the member is deployed, some stay at their military base or in their community. Either way these families are struggling to hold their relationships and children together. Many younger children do not understand why daddy is not home for the holidays, it’s hard on everyone. 

Jack is working on moving forward in his life, he is finally getting counseling, but many veterans continue to struggle beside their families. Jack is lucky, his wife is very supportive and understanding. She has every reason to leave but doesn’t even though he is not the man she married. She is just as brave as Jack.

I would like everyone to think about those military members, families, and veterans who are serving or served our country over the holidays. Think of those families who’s loved ones are deployed. Think of those families that have lost loved ones and will never have them home again. Think of those that were wounded and will never have their life the way it was, and also think about those that have lost their buddies and live with the guilt. Think about the spouses and children of those who went to war and came back a different person. To some veterans and their families the holidays are tough on them. If you know of a friend or family member struggling, encourage them get help, it’s just a phone call away. Support them when you can, especially the holidays.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.