Comparing Trauma Can Be Harmful

Kevin and Katrina have been married for 10 years. Kevin is a medically retired Army veteran with 3 tours in Iraq. According to Kevin and Katrina, Kevin appeared to be doing OK until he was medically discharged from the Army for his Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and lost his purpose and identity. Kevin has struggled to maintain any kind of employment and feels the pressure to keep a job from Katrina. Kevin also feels the pressure from her family because he is not “providing” for his wife. Katrina is a few years older than Kevin and was raised by a Vietnam veteran, William, who she adores and feels can do no wrong.

After discussing Kevin’s situation with him and his medical retirement I started to dig into the issues he is having concerning his PTSD, TBI, and family. Kevin feels Katrina is being too hard on him because of his PTSD and not understanding his struggles. Kevin feels Katrina is comparing his experiences with her father’s because he was in war too. Kevin suspects William has PTSD and has been hiding it for years because he has seen some of the signs of in William but Katrina refuses to see it and always changes the subject. Kevin believes William is playing a part in Katrina’s hard-core feelings about Kevin’s PTSD and his inability to hold down a job.

Kevin describes how Katrina continually calls him out for not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. She continually tells Kevin to get over it and move on. Katrina believes her dads wartime experiences are comparable to Kevin’s. She reminds Kevin that her dad had been through Vietnam and was ok and that Kevin should be OK also. Kevin struggles to visit Katrina’s family with her because he feels he is being judged because of his PTSD & TBI by them.

William talks down to Kevin every time he sees him. Kevin stated that the tension can be felt as soon as he walked into the room with William. William has even told Kevin, I’ve seen combat too, I was able to get on with my life, not become a victim, and depend on the Veterans Administration (VA) for a paycheck. William reminds Kevin every chance he gets that he came home and was treated like crap by society, but he refused to let it bother him and moved on, and Kevin should do the same. William had gotten a good job as a heavy equipment operator and had made a decent living. William admitted to Kevin that he does struggle with his own issues but found a way around them and Kevin needed to do the same.

What William does not understand is Kevin’s PTSD goes back to his childhood. Kevin went into the military to escape the abuse he took in the foster care system as a child. Kevin went into the Army with PTSD and his service exacerbated his symptoms. William appears to not care about Kevin’s background and feels he should grow up and be a “man” and take care of his daughter. It is interesting that Katrina does not like the way her father is talking about Kevin, but she continues to harp on Kevin about not being able to get past his PTSD.

What Katrina cannot understand is she was drawn to Kevin because of his PTSD. Katrina can live with Kevin’s PTSD because she sees the same things in her father - the outburst, the secrecy, the triggers, the lack of empathy, and the signs of narcissism. Katrina has seen all of it before and believes if her father could get past it, so should Kevin. What Katrina does not understand is she is doing more harm than good to Kevin’s psychologically. Katrina is what we call a “bootstrapper” She believes Kevin should just pull himself up by his bootstraps and move on just like her father did. Katrina is making a big mistake because she is comparing Kevin’s PTSD to her father’s. The problem is they are a lot different and she can’t see it.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

The Importance of Spouses in the Recovery Process of TBI & PTSD

I see a lot of spouses who do not understand the VA system. Judy was frustrated that the VA has so little support for spouses to help with their loved one’s recovery. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) I have discovered the importance of a spouse’s role in the recovery of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). Spouses are the key to the recovery of our combat troops who have the signature issues of the recent wars, PTSD and TBI. Part of the problem is the VA will not allow spouses to get therapy from the VA on how to understand and work through PTSD and TBI in their loved one. The lack of support for spouses from the VA is measurable if you look at the divorce rate.

A study conducted by a professor at Brigham Young University found that combat veterans relationships were 62% more likely to end in separation or divorce than their civilian counterpoints. Often the combat experience is a risk factor in ending a relationship. Combat trauma seems to be an issue when people are trying to maintain a successful relationship. PTSD causes a veteran to act irrationally when they are triggered. It appears combat is especially an issue if the couple was married before deployment. The non-combat spouse to needs time to mourn the loss of what they had and accept the new normal. This takes therapy, something the VA is not providing for spouses. If the VA was willing to work with spouses one on one to explain PTSD and TBI to them, the divorce rate might decrease along with the suicide rate. If the marriage starts after deployment, it is more likely the relationship can survive because you don’t have the past to mourn. 

The VA states they prioritize their work with spouses for those of veterans who have died or have serious injury incurred in the line of duty, but isn’t PTSD and TBI a serious injury? The biggest difference is you cannot see PTSD or internal TBI. Congress does not want to add services for spouses because of the cost. It appears that the VA’s fear is the general population does not want to pay for serving spouses at the VA. There are people in the civilian community who would squawk about the costs if the VA started taking on the spouses too. The problem is, especially when it comes to mental health, it takes a toll on a spouse living with someone who has PTSD. The demands of being married to someone with PTSD can and does cause its own set of issues in the spouse.

Wouldn’t it be less expensive to allow spouses to have individual counseling? I believe it would. If the spouse understands what they are seeing they might have the ability to head off some of the issues the veterans goes to the VA for. It is possible the spouse could spot triggers in the veteran decreasing triggers. It is also possible the spouse could spot suicidality of their spouse decreasing the 20 to 22 a day veterans’ suicide rates. The VA does offer couples counseling but that can be an issue for the veteran. The spouse needs to be free to discuss what their living with and it is more likely the spouse would be apprehensive to discuss their feelings in couples counseling. Some of the conversations can be problematic for a combat veteran if they get triggered by the discussion of their issues by their spouses. Spouses need individual counseling to help them understand what their seeing in their spouse. Spouses don’t know how to help because no one is teaching them what they need to do.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Comparing Trauma Can Be Harmful

Kevin and Katrina have been married for 10 years. Kevin is a medically retired Army veteran with 3 tours in Iraq. According to Kevin and Katrina, Kevin appeared to be doing OK until he was medically discharged from the Army for his Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and lost his purpose and identity. Kevin has struggled to maintain any kind of employment and feels the pressure to keep a job from Katrina. Kevin also feels the pressure from her family because he is not “providing” for his wife. Katrina is a few years older than Kevin and was raised by a Vietnam veteran, William, who she adores and feels can do no wrong.

After discussing Kevin’s situation with him and his medical retirement I started to dig into the issues he is having concerning his PTSD, TBI, and family. Kevin feels Katrina is being too hard on him because of his PTSD and not understanding his struggles. Kevin feels Katrina is comparing his experiences with her father’s because he was in war too. Kevin suspects William has PTSD and has been hiding it for years because he has seen some of the signs of in William but Katrina refuses to see it and always changes the subject. Kevin believes William is playing a part in Katrina’s hard-core feelings about Kevin’s PTSD and his inability to hold down a job.

Kevin describes how Katrina continually calls him out for not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. She continually tells Kevin to get over it and move on. Katrina believes her dads wartime experiences are comparable to Kevin’s. She reminds Kevin that her dad had been through Vietnam and was ok and that Kevin should be OK also. Kevin struggles to visit Katrina’s family with her because he feels he is being judged because of his PTSD & TBI by them.

William talks down to Kevin every time he sees him. Kevin stated that the tension can be felt as soon as he walked into the room with William. William has even told Kevin, I’ve seen combat too, I was able to get on with my life, not become a victim, and depend on the Veterans Administration (VA) for a paycheck. William reminds Kevin every chance he gets that he came home and was treated like crap by society, but he refused to let it bother him and moved on, and Kevin should do the same. William had gotten a good job as a heavy equipment operator and had made a decent living. William admitted to Kevin that he does struggle with his own issues but found a way around them and Kevin needed to do the same.

What William does not understand is Kevin’s PTSD goes back to his childhood. Kevin went into the military to escape the abuse he took in the foster care system as a child. Kevin went into the Army with PTSD and his service exacerbated his symptoms. William appears to not care about Kevin’s background and feels he should grow up and be a “man” and take care of his daughter. It is interesting that Katrina does not like the way her father is talking about Kevin, but she continues to harp on Kevin about not being able to get past his PTSD.

What Katrina cannot understand is she was drawn to Kevin because of his PTSD. Katrina can live with Kevin’s PTSD because she sees the same things in her father - the outburst, the secrecy, the triggers, the lack of empathy, and the signs of narcissism. Katrina has seen all of it before and believes if her father could get past it, so should Kevin. What Katrina does not understand is she is doing more harm than good to Kevin’s psychologically. Katrina is what we call a “bootstrapper” She believes Kevin should just pull himself up by his bootstraps and move on just like her father did. Katrina is making a big mistake because she is comparing Kevin’s PTSD to her father’s. The problem is they are a lot different and she can’t see it.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

The Importance of Spouses in the Recovery Process of TBI & PTSD

I see a lot of spouses who do not understand the VA system. Judy was frustrated that the VA has so little support for spouses to help with their loved one’s recovery. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) I have discovered the importance of a spouse’s role in the recovery of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). Spouses are the key to the recovery of our combat troops who have the signature issues of the recent wars, PTSD and TBI. Part of the problem is the VA will not allow spouses to get therapy from the VA on how to understand and work through PTSD and TBI in their loved one. The lack of support for spouses from the VA is measurable if you look at the divorce rate.

A study conducted by a professor at Brigham Young University found that combat veterans relationships were 62% more likely to end in separation or divorce than their civilian counterpoints. Often the combat experience is a risk factor in ending a relationship. Combat trauma seems to be an issue when people are trying to maintain a successful relationship. PTSD causes a veteran to act irrationally when they are triggered. It appears combat is especially an issue if the couple was married before deployment. The non-combat spouse to needs time to mourn the loss of what they had and accept the new normal. This takes therapy, something the VA is not providing for spouses. If the VA was willing to work with spouses one on one to explain PTSD and TBI to them, the divorce rate might decrease along with the suicide rate. If the marriage starts after deployment, it is more likely the relationship can survive because you don’t have the past to mourn. 

The VA states they prioritize their work with spouses for those of veterans who have died or have serious injury incurred in the line of duty, but isn’t PTSD and TBI a serious injury? The biggest difference is you cannot see PTSD or internal TBI. Congress does not want to add services for spouses because of the cost. It appears that the VA’s fear is the general population does not want to pay for serving spouses at the VA. There are people in the civilian community who would squawk about the costs if the VA started taking on the spouses too. The problem is, especially when it comes to mental health, it takes a toll on a spouse living with someone who has PTSD. The demands of being married to someone with PTSD can and does cause its own set of issues in the spouse.

Wouldn’t it be less expensive to allow spouses to have individual counseling? I believe it would. If the spouse understands what they are seeing they might have the ability to head off some of the issues the veterans goes to the VA for. It is possible the spouse could spot triggers in the veteran decreasing triggers. It is also possible the spouse could spot suicidality of their spouse decreasing the 20 to 22 a day veterans’ suicide rates. The VA does offer couples counseling but that can be an issue for the veteran. The spouse needs to be free to discuss what their living with and it is more likely the spouse would be apprehensive to discuss their feelings in couples counseling. Some of the conversations can be problematic for a combat veteran if they get triggered by the discussion of their issues by their spouses. Spouses need individual counseling to help them understand what their seeing in their spouse. Spouses don’t know how to help because no one is teaching them what they need to do.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.