Veterans Need to Give Civilian Clinicians a Chance

One of the most important things I do as a clinician is to help veteran students in crisis at San Bernardino Valley College on average once a week. Billy is a 27 year old, 80% disabled Operation Iraqi Freedom veteran who came into the office and asked if he could talk to me. I have known him for quite a while and knew a little about his background but never saw him as a client or in distress. Once he sat down and the door was shut it was evident there was an issue. He was tearful and visibly shaken because he was struggling with issues at home. He feared his PTSD was setting a bad example for his children and pushing his wife away.

Billy was a proud, angry, scared, and venerable young man. It took allot for him to visit me in the center where everyone could see him come in and sit down. Since I am well known to the veteran’s at the college he felt safe to discuss his issues with me. He appeared to be at the end of the rope and needed someone to talk to. Billy is not willing to use the services at the Veterans Administration or the Veterans Center because he don’t trust them. He is paying for a private clinician so ethically I could not continue to see him, my job at that moment was to stabilize the crisis and send him to his private clinician.

Billy was unsure what set off the most recent event. He felt he was a failure because he had no job and his PTSD appeared to be controlling his life. He had been unemployed since he got out and was scared to apply for jobs fearing rejection. As we discussed his situation we got into a deep conversation about what was going on with him. At this point I was just another veteran trying to help him through the crisis not his clinician. I completed a quick suicide assessment on him and found him to not be suicidal. He started telling me some of his stories from deployments and some of the things he had seen and done. I was aware that he was seeing a private psychologist so I had to tread lightly and be sure not to undermine anything his private clinician was doing. I discussed with him the ethical situation of seeing two clinicians and why I could not see him on a continual basis. I asked if he had discussed the issues he disclosed with me to his private clinician. He hadn’t; he didn’t feel the civilian clinician would understand. I advised him that the civilian clinician was perfectly capable of helping him, but he could not put him back together without all of the pieces. I encouraged him to talk to his clinician the same way he talked to me. He agreed to try.

The following week Billy told me that he had taken my advice and was doing allot better. He opened up to his clinician and it appeared to help. Billy told his clinician about our conversation; his clinician told him that he needed to thank me for the advice to open up. Billy is not alone. Many veterans feel they cannot tell civilian clinician things they can tell a veteran. The reality is they can, not all clinicians are a good fit for an individual, finding the right therapist is the key. Civilian clinicians are capable of working with veterans, they just need to know the whole story.  Civilian clinician see PTSD frequently, 7.7 million Americans have non-combat PTSD, and the odds of a clinician already treating someone with PTSD is high. The bottom line, it is important for veterans to open up to your civilian clinician and not leave out parts of your puzzle. They can help you more than you know. Billy is doing great now, he is still going to counseling and now has a job. He is still married and helping raise their children, this is a success story that we all like to hear. Sometimes all it takes is someone who is willing to sit with them, listen to their thoughts, and talk to them with empathy.  

Recognizing Suicide

Talking to a veteran, family member, or friend about their suicidal thoughts is extremely difficult but necessary. Many times all it takes to prevent a suicide attempt is to ask! You can't make a person suicidal by asking the question and showing that you care. In fact, giving a suicidal person the opportunity to discuss their feelings can provide relief they need and may prevent a suicide attempt.

Common suicide risk factors include:

• History of trauma or abuse

• Recent loss or stressful life event

• Terminal illness or chronic pain

• Social isolation and loneliness

• Alcoholism or drug abuse

• Mental illness

• Previous suicide attempts

• Family history of suicide

Ways to start a conversation about suicide:

• I have been feeling concerned about you lately.

• Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.

• I wanted to check in with you because you haven’t seemed yourself lately.

Questions you can ask:

• When did you begin feeling like this?

• Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?

• How can I best support you right now?

• Have you thought about getting help?

What you can say that helps:

• You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.

• You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.

• I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.

• When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold off for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage.

 For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Veterans Spouses Need to Tell Their Stories

So often the spouses of veterans struggle to keep their lives together because of problems their veteran faces. These spouses deal with their veterans needs with little to no fanfare or appreciation. These spouses forgo their needs to tend to the needs of the veteran. Anyone who has been in the military understands that they are different. Those who live with veterans know that veterans have quirks others don’t have. No one who goes in the military comes out the same. These differences carry forward with the veteran after their service is completed and passes down to the families which can be a good or bad depending on the situation.

Living with veterans daily can be difficult, veterans can be stubborn. A veteran's needs can be different from civilians. Whether it's being on time, awareness of their surroundings, and being aware of where they are sitting in a restaurant can become a problem. Veterans do not like to sit with their back to the door so they can be aware of their surroundings. This can appear odd if you don’t know why they insist on sitting with their backs to the wall. Sitting in the middle of a crowded room is uncomfortable for veterans, they feel too vulnerable.

Some spouses are dealing with veterans who have mental and physical disabilities that become a part of their lives. These disabilities can lead to a hard and frustrating life for the whole family. Some spouses struggle to make tough decisions concerning the commitment to their relationships. For so many spouses it would be easier to walk away and not have to deal with the issues the military brought into their lives. Many veteran spouses stay in their relationships to their detriment because of loyalty, love, and living out the “for better or worse commitment” they made when they married.

Spouses who live with a veteran who has a physical disability struggle as they both age. Often the physical disabilities create a problem for the spouse because of their inability to physically do what is needed concerning the physical ailments of the veteran. The mental health aspect of veterans can linger for years and be torturous for a life time for spouses. Seeing your loved one struggle with mental health issues and not having the ability to help causes its own stress and frustration. Spouses struggle to understand why their loved ones are acting the way they do because of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), or a multitude of other mental health issues brought on by military service. Some spouses must deal with both the physical and mental aspects of their veteran’s issues, when spouses reach out for help, usually to the VA, they hit a huge frustrating bureaucracy.   

Dealing with the VA is one of the most frustrating things any veteran or their spouse can deal with. I would say dealing with the VA is more frustrating for spouses because they don't have a lot of say on how their veteran is treated. Often regulations set by congress limit the amount of help the VA can give spouses. When it comes to mental health issues, especially PTSD, a spouse has little say in treatment. If a spouse of a veteran with PTSD goes to the VA and says, “you diagnosed my husband with PTSD and I need help, can you help me?”, the VA will tell them “no” unless the veteran is receiving treatment for PTSD themselves. It is well known veterans won't seek treatment because of the stigma and the perception the VA will just throw drugs at them and not deal with their issues. By the veteran not getting help with their PTSD it places their spouse in a tough situation. So often spouses feel they can’t stay in the relationship for their own sanity and they can’t go because they love and are committed to their relationship. What society needs to know is these spouses are taking on their burden by tending to these disabled veterans at no cost to society and a huge cost to their physical and mental wellbeing. Funding to provide spouses help for caring of disabled veterans should be a cost of war. That's why spouses need to speak up and tell their stories so they can get the help they deserve.

Spouses are the unseen heroes of the veteran community. Veterans spouses save the federal government billions of dollars by providing services that the VA and society should be paying for. Our society expects these spouses to be the good soldier and keep doing what they're doing even if it is hindrance to their health. These spouses need to start telling their stories so society can see what they're giving to the country. Without their voice, they’re taken for granted by society, the VA, and family members. I encourage spouses to speak up and tell their stories so they can get their just due and be labeled the heroes that they are.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com for tips on how to navigate the VA system and make your VA experience healthier and less frustrating. Like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

For local mental health counseling for spouses you can call

Victor Community Support Services

(Military Family Program)

222 East Main St

Barstow, Ca. 92311

(760) 255-1496

 www.victor.org

Christian Counseling Services (CCS)

(Military Family Program)

205 E. State Street

Redlands, CA 92373

909-793-1078

www.ccs-cares.org

Female Veterans’ Struggles can be Different when Re-integrating

As a clinician, I have worked with a lot of female veterans. One of the biggest themes I see from them are the struggles they have when they get out. Females are not seen as warriors in our society, but I beg to differ. I know a lot of strong females who threaten the ego of some men, especially men in the military, and they can pay the price. Males run military and always have. In 1973 females made up 2% of enlisted and 8% of officers. Now female veterans make up 16% of enlisted and 18% of officers. I constantly hear people say females have made it in the military, there are female generals, and female senior Non-Commissioned officers (NCO’s). Some females who make rank do so because they don’t maintain their boundaries where they should. They work hard to try and get into the “good ol’ boys club”, but they never will be let in by a lot of male military members or veterans.  Some high ranking female NCO’s and officers let things slide that shouldn’t, believe it is ok to be talked down too, are ok with inappropriate comments, and look the other way when there is coercion or sexual harassment. Often the way female veterans are treated while in the military carry forward once they become civilians.  

In a recent survey, just over 60% of females indicated that their military service negatively affected their mental health, most often this is negativity tied to military sexual trauma (MST). The survey also showed that female veterans have a higher rate of depression than non-veteran females. The worst part is female veterans have a 250% higher suicide rate than civilian women. So many female veterans struggle once they get out because of the shame and guilt associated with sexual trauma, and are the largest growing segment of homeless veterans. I have talked to a lot of female veterans who did not tell people they were in the military because they feared those they told will know, or believe that they were sexually assaulted or raped. Not only does MST play a part in why women don't say they were in the military, a lot of men who never served are embarrassed they did not serve and a female did.   

This embarrassment men hold is especially true when it comes to job interviews. Multiple female veterans have told me they did not disclose their military service during a job interview with a man. Female veterans also have said that when they interview with women they feel they are treated differently by the women who are doing the hiring if they know they served in the military. I've also been told by female veterans that they steer clear of the veteran’s service organizations (VSO's) because they're only allowed one foot into the good old boys club. Another thing female veterans must struggle with when around male veterans is fearing that a particular male veteran could have easily been a perpetrator while serving in the military making them feel uncomfortable.  

Another issue female veterans deal with is the stereotypes that still exist that women who served in the military are lesbians. Of course, this is not true but to many civilians, especially women and civilians they can't understand why a woman would want to go in such a male-dominated, testosterone filled career. It is also well known that the Veterans Administration (VA) offers less to female veterans than their male counterparts. Only recently has the VA started offering services specifically for female veterans. At the Loma Linda VA, there is a specific clinic set up just for female veterans. This is a huge improvement over the past but they're still is a lot that needs to be done.  

As you can tell by some of the instances discussed, female veterans can have a hard time reintegrating back into the civilian community. It is a shame that female veterans must endure what they do. Female veterans, so often don't feel safe either in the military or the civilian community. They have earned the same respect male veterans have, please give them the respect they have earned.  

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Veterans Need to Give Civilian Clinicians a Chance

One of the most important things I do as a clinician is to help veteran students in crisis at San Bernardino Valley College on average once a week. Billy is a 27 year old, 80% disabled Operation Iraqi Freedom veteran who came into the office and asked if he could talk to me. I have known him for quite a while and knew a little about his background but never saw him as a client or in distress. Once he sat down and the door was shut it was evident there was an issue. He was tearful and visibly shaken because he was struggling with issues at home. He feared his PTSD was setting a bad example for his children and pushing his wife away.

Billy was a proud, angry, scared, and venerable young man. It took allot for him to visit me in the center where everyone could see him come in and sit down. Since I am well known to the veteran’s at the college he felt safe to discuss his issues with me. He appeared to be at the end of the rope and needed someone to talk to. Billy is not willing to use the services at the Veterans Administration or the Veterans Center because he don’t trust them. He is paying for a private clinician so ethically I could not continue to see him, my job at that moment was to stabilize the crisis and send him to his private clinician.

Billy was unsure what set off the most recent event. He felt he was a failure because he had no job and his PTSD appeared to be controlling his life. He had been unemployed since he got out and was scared to apply for jobs fearing rejection. As we discussed his situation we got into a deep conversation about what was going on with him. At this point I was just another veteran trying to help him through the crisis not his clinician. I completed a quick suicide assessment on him and found him to not be suicidal. He started telling me some of his stories from deployments and some of the things he had seen and done. I was aware that he was seeing a private psychologist so I had to tread lightly and be sure not to undermine anything his private clinician was doing. I discussed with him the ethical situation of seeing two clinicians and why I could not see him on a continual basis. I asked if he had discussed the issues he disclosed with me to his private clinician. He hadn’t; he didn’t feel the civilian clinician would understand. I advised him that the civilian clinician was perfectly capable of helping him, but he could not put him back together without all of the pieces. I encouraged him to talk to his clinician the same way he talked to me. He agreed to try.

The following week Billy told me that he had taken my advice and was doing allot better. He opened up to his clinician and it appeared to help. Billy told his clinician about our conversation; his clinician told him that he needed to thank me for the advice to open up. Billy is not alone. Many veterans feel they cannot tell civilian clinician things they can tell a veteran. The reality is they can, not all clinicians are a good fit for an individual, finding the right therapist is the key. Civilian clinicians are capable of working with veterans, they just need to know the whole story.  Civilian clinician see PTSD frequently, 7.7 million Americans have non-combat PTSD, and the odds of a clinician already treating someone with PTSD is high. The bottom line, it is important for veterans to open up to your civilian clinician and not leave out parts of your puzzle. They can help you more than you know. Billy is doing great now, he is still going to counseling and now has a job. He is still married and helping raise their children, this is a success story that we all like to hear. Sometimes all it takes is someone who is willing to sit with them, listen to their thoughts, and talk to them with empathy.  

Recognizing Suicide

Talking to a veteran, family member, or friend about their suicidal thoughts is extremely difficult but necessary. Many times all it takes to prevent a suicide attempt is to ask! You can't make a person suicidal by asking the question and showing that you care. In fact, giving a suicidal person the opportunity to discuss their feelings can provide relief they need and may prevent a suicide attempt.

Common suicide risk factors include:

• History of trauma or abuse

• Recent loss or stressful life event

• Terminal illness or chronic pain

• Social isolation and loneliness

• Alcoholism or drug abuse

• Mental illness

• Previous suicide attempts

• Family history of suicide

Ways to start a conversation about suicide:

• I have been feeling concerned about you lately.

• Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.

• I wanted to check in with you because you haven’t seemed yourself lately.

Questions you can ask:

• When did you begin feeling like this?

• Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?

• How can I best support you right now?

• Have you thought about getting help?

What you can say that helps:

• You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.

• You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.

• I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.

• When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold off for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage.

 For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Veterans Spouses Need to Tell Their Stories

So often the spouses of veterans struggle to keep their lives together because of problems their veteran faces. These spouses deal with their veterans needs with little to no fanfare or appreciation. These spouses forgo their needs to tend to the needs of the veteran. Anyone who has been in the military understands that they are different. Those who live with veterans know that veterans have quirks others don’t have. No one who goes in the military comes out the same. These differences carry forward with the veteran after their service is completed and passes down to the families which can be a good or bad depending on the situation.

Living with veterans daily can be difficult, veterans can be stubborn. A veteran's needs can be different from civilians. Whether it's being on time, awareness of their surroundings, and being aware of where they are sitting in a restaurant can become a problem. Veterans do not like to sit with their back to the door so they can be aware of their surroundings. This can appear odd if you don’t know why they insist on sitting with their backs to the wall. Sitting in the middle of a crowded room is uncomfortable for veterans, they feel too vulnerable.

Some spouses are dealing with veterans who have mental and physical disabilities that become a part of their lives. These disabilities can lead to a hard and frustrating life for the whole family. Some spouses struggle to make tough decisions concerning the commitment to their relationships. For so many spouses it would be easier to walk away and not have to deal with the issues the military brought into their lives. Many veteran spouses stay in their relationships to their detriment because of loyalty, love, and living out the “for better or worse commitment” they made when they married.

Spouses who live with a veteran who has a physical disability struggle as they both age. Often the physical disabilities create a problem for the spouse because of their inability to physically do what is needed concerning the physical ailments of the veteran. The mental health aspect of veterans can linger for years and be torturous for a life time for spouses. Seeing your loved one struggle with mental health issues and not having the ability to help causes its own stress and frustration. Spouses struggle to understand why their loved ones are acting the way they do because of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), or a multitude of other mental health issues brought on by military service. Some spouses must deal with both the physical and mental aspects of their veteran’s issues, when spouses reach out for help, usually to the VA, they hit a huge frustrating bureaucracy.   

Dealing with the VA is one of the most frustrating things any veteran or their spouse can deal with. I would say dealing with the VA is more frustrating for spouses because they don't have a lot of say on how their veteran is treated. Often regulations set by congress limit the amount of help the VA can give spouses. When it comes to mental health issues, especially PTSD, a spouse has little say in treatment. If a spouse of a veteran with PTSD goes to the VA and says, “you diagnosed my husband with PTSD and I need help, can you help me?”, the VA will tell them “no” unless the veteran is receiving treatment for PTSD themselves. It is well known veterans won't seek treatment because of the stigma and the perception the VA will just throw drugs at them and not deal with their issues. By the veteran not getting help with their PTSD it places their spouse in a tough situation. So often spouses feel they can’t stay in the relationship for their own sanity and they can’t go because they love and are committed to their relationship. What society needs to know is these spouses are taking on their burden by tending to these disabled veterans at no cost to society and a huge cost to their physical and mental wellbeing. Funding to provide spouses help for caring of disabled veterans should be a cost of war. That's why spouses need to speak up and tell their stories so they can get the help they deserve.

Spouses are the unseen heroes of the veteran community. Veterans spouses save the federal government billions of dollars by providing services that the VA and society should be paying for. Our society expects these spouses to be the good soldier and keep doing what they're doing even if it is hindrance to their health. These spouses need to start telling their stories so society can see what they're giving to the country. Without their voice, they’re taken for granted by society, the VA, and family members. I encourage spouses to speak up and tell their stories so they can get their just due and be labeled the heroes that they are.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com for tips on how to navigate the VA system and make your VA experience healthier and less frustrating. Like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

For local mental health counseling for spouses you can call

Victor Community Support Services

(Military Family Program)

222 East Main St

Barstow, Ca. 92311

(760) 255-1496

 www.victor.org

Christian Counseling Services (CCS)

(Military Family Program)

205 E. State Street

Redlands, CA 92373

909-793-1078

www.ccs-cares.org

Female Veterans’ Struggles can be Different when Re-integrating

As a clinician, I have worked with a lot of female veterans. One of the biggest themes I see from them are the struggles they have when they get out. Females are not seen as warriors in our society, but I beg to differ. I know a lot of strong females who threaten the ego of some men, especially men in the military, and they can pay the price. Males run military and always have. In 1973 females made up 2% of enlisted and 8% of officers. Now female veterans make up 16% of enlisted and 18% of officers. I constantly hear people say females have made it in the military, there are female generals, and female senior Non-Commissioned officers (NCO’s). Some females who make rank do so because they don’t maintain their boundaries where they should. They work hard to try and get into the “good ol’ boys club”, but they never will be let in by a lot of male military members or veterans.  Some high ranking female NCO’s and officers let things slide that shouldn’t, believe it is ok to be talked down too, are ok with inappropriate comments, and look the other way when there is coercion or sexual harassment. Often the way female veterans are treated while in the military carry forward once they become civilians.  

In a recent survey, just over 60% of females indicated that their military service negatively affected their mental health, most often this is negativity tied to military sexual trauma (MST). The survey also showed that female veterans have a higher rate of depression than non-veteran females. The worst part is female veterans have a 250% higher suicide rate than civilian women. So many female veterans struggle once they get out because of the shame and guilt associated with sexual trauma, and are the largest growing segment of homeless veterans. I have talked to a lot of female veterans who did not tell people they were in the military because they feared those they told will know, or believe that they were sexually assaulted or raped. Not only does MST play a part in why women don't say they were in the military, a lot of men who never served are embarrassed they did not serve and a female did.   

This embarrassment men hold is especially true when it comes to job interviews. Multiple female veterans have told me they did not disclose their military service during a job interview with a man. Female veterans also have said that when they interview with women they feel they are treated differently by the women who are doing the hiring if they know they served in the military. I've also been told by female veterans that they steer clear of the veteran’s service organizations (VSO's) because they're only allowed one foot into the good old boys club. Another thing female veterans must struggle with when around male veterans is fearing that a particular male veteran could have easily been a perpetrator while serving in the military making them feel uncomfortable.  

Another issue female veterans deal with is the stereotypes that still exist that women who served in the military are lesbians. Of course, this is not true but to many civilians, especially women and civilians they can't understand why a woman would want to go in such a male-dominated, testosterone filled career. It is also well known that the Veterans Administration (VA) offers less to female veterans than their male counterparts. Only recently has the VA started offering services specifically for female veterans. At the Loma Linda VA, there is a specific clinic set up just for female veterans. This is a huge improvement over the past but they're still is a lot that needs to be done.  

As you can tell by some of the instances discussed, female veterans can have a hard time reintegrating back into the civilian community. It is a shame that female veterans must endure what they do. Female veterans, so often don't feel safe either in the military or the civilian community. They have earned the same respect male veterans have, please give them the respect they have earned.  

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Veterans Need to Give Civilian Clinicians a Chance

One of the most important things I do as a clinician is to help veteran students in crisis at San Bernardino Valley College on average once a week. Billy is a 27 year old, 80% disabled Operation Iraqi Freedom veteran who came into the office and asked if he could talk to me. I have known him for quite a while and knew a little about his background but never saw him as a client or in distress. Once he sat down and the door was shut it was evident there was an issue. He was tearful and visibly shaken because he was struggling with issues at home. He feared his PTSD was setting a bad example for his children and pushing his wife away.

Billy was a proud, angry, scared, and venerable young man. It took allot for him to visit me in the center where everyone could see him come in and sit down. Since I am well known to the veteran’s at the college he felt safe to discuss his issues with me. He appeared to be at the end of the rope and needed someone to talk to. Billy is not willing to use the services at the Veterans Administration or the Veterans Center because he don’t trust them. He is paying for a private clinician so ethically I could not continue to see him, my job at that moment was to stabilize the crisis and send him to his private clinician.

Billy was unsure what set off the most recent event. He felt he was a failure because he had no job and his PTSD appeared to be controlling his life. He had been unemployed since he got out and was scared to apply for jobs fearing rejection. As we discussed his situation we got into a deep conversation about what was going on with him. At this point I was just another veteran trying to help him through the crisis not his clinician. I completed a quick suicide assessment on him and found him to not be suicidal. He started telling me some of his stories from deployments and some of the things he had seen and done. I was aware that he was seeing a private psychologist so I had to tread lightly and be sure not to undermine anything his private clinician was doing. I discussed with him the ethical situation of seeing two clinicians and why I could not see him on a continual basis. I asked if he had discussed the issues he disclosed with me to his private clinician. He hadn’t; he didn’t feel the civilian clinician would understand. I advised him that the civilian clinician was perfectly capable of helping him, but he could not put him back together without all of the pieces. I encouraged him to talk to his clinician the same way he talked to me. He agreed to try.

The following week Billy told me that he had taken my advice and was doing allot better. He opened up to his clinician and it appeared to help. Billy told his clinician about our conversation; his clinician told him that he needed to thank me for the advice to open up. Billy is not alone. Many veterans feel they cannot tell civilian clinician things they can tell a veteran. The reality is they can, not all clinicians are a good fit for an individual, finding the right therapist is the key. Civilian clinicians are capable of working with veterans, they just need to know the whole story.  Civilian clinician see PTSD frequently, 7.7 million Americans have non-combat PTSD, and the odds of a clinician already treating someone with PTSD is high. The bottom line, it is important for veterans to open up to your civilian clinician and not leave out parts of your puzzle. They can help you more than you know. Billy is doing great now, he is still going to counseling and now has a job. He is still married and helping raise their children, this is a success story that we all like to hear. Sometimes all it takes is someone who is willing to sit with them, listen to their thoughts, and talk to them with empathy.  

Recognizing Suicide

Talking to a veteran, family member, or friend about their suicidal thoughts is extremely difficult but necessary. Many times all it takes to prevent a suicide attempt is to ask! You can't make a person suicidal by asking the question and showing that you care. In fact, giving a suicidal person the opportunity to discuss their feelings can provide relief they need and may prevent a suicide attempt.

Common suicide risk factors include:

• History of trauma or abuse

• Recent loss or stressful life event

• Terminal illness or chronic pain

• Social isolation and loneliness

• Alcoholism or drug abuse

• Mental illness

• Previous suicide attempts

• Family history of suicide

Ways to start a conversation about suicide:

• I have been feeling concerned about you lately.

• Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.

• I wanted to check in with you because you haven’t seemed yourself lately.

Questions you can ask:

• When did you begin feeling like this?

• Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?

• How can I best support you right now?

• Have you thought about getting help?

What you can say that helps:

• You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.

• You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.

• I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.

• When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold off for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage.

 For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Veterans Spouses Need to Tell Their Stories

So often the spouses of veterans struggle to keep their lives together because of problems their veteran faces. These spouses deal with their veterans needs with little to no fanfare or appreciation. These spouses forgo their needs to tend to the needs of the veteran. Anyone who has been in the military understands that they are different. Those who live with veterans know that veterans have quirks others don’t have. No one who goes in the military comes out the same. These differences carry forward with the veteran after their service is completed and passes down to the families which can be a good or bad depending on the situation.

Living with veterans daily can be difficult, veterans can be stubborn. A veteran's needs can be different from civilians. Whether it's being on time, awareness of their surroundings, and being aware of where they are sitting in a restaurant can become a problem. Veterans do not like to sit with their back to the door so they can be aware of their surroundings. This can appear odd if you don’t know why they insist on sitting with their backs to the wall. Sitting in the middle of a crowded room is uncomfortable for veterans, they feel too vulnerable.

Some spouses are dealing with veterans who have mental and physical disabilities that become a part of their lives. These disabilities can lead to a hard and frustrating life for the whole family. Some spouses struggle to make tough decisions concerning the commitment to their relationships. For so many spouses it would be easier to walk away and not have to deal with the issues the military brought into their lives. Many veteran spouses stay in their relationships to their detriment because of loyalty, love, and living out the “for better or worse commitment” they made when they married.

Spouses who live with a veteran who has a physical disability struggle as they both age. Often the physical disabilities create a problem for the spouse because of their inability to physically do what is needed concerning the physical ailments of the veteran. The mental health aspect of veterans can linger for years and be torturous for a life time for spouses. Seeing your loved one struggle with mental health issues and not having the ability to help causes its own stress and frustration. Spouses struggle to understand why their loved ones are acting the way they do because of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), or a multitude of other mental health issues brought on by military service. Some spouses must deal with both the physical and mental aspects of their veteran’s issues, when spouses reach out for help, usually to the VA, they hit a huge frustrating bureaucracy.   

Dealing with the VA is one of the most frustrating things any veteran or their spouse can deal with. I would say dealing with the VA is more frustrating for spouses because they don't have a lot of say on how their veteran is treated. Often regulations set by congress limit the amount of help the VA can give spouses. When it comes to mental health issues, especially PTSD, a spouse has little say in treatment. If a spouse of a veteran with PTSD goes to the VA and says, “you diagnosed my husband with PTSD and I need help, can you help me?”, the VA will tell them “no” unless the veteran is receiving treatment for PTSD themselves. It is well known veterans won't seek treatment because of the stigma and the perception the VA will just throw drugs at them and not deal with their issues. By the veteran not getting help with their PTSD it places their spouse in a tough situation. So often spouses feel they can’t stay in the relationship for their own sanity and they can’t go because they love and are committed to their relationship. What society needs to know is these spouses are taking on their burden by tending to these disabled veterans at no cost to society and a huge cost to their physical and mental wellbeing. Funding to provide spouses help for caring of disabled veterans should be a cost of war. That's why spouses need to speak up and tell their stories so they can get the help they deserve.

Spouses are the unseen heroes of the veteran community. Veterans spouses save the federal government billions of dollars by providing services that the VA and society should be paying for. Our society expects these spouses to be the good soldier and keep doing what they're doing even if it is hindrance to their health. These spouses need to start telling their stories so society can see what they're giving to the country. Without their voice, they’re taken for granted by society, the VA, and family members. I encourage spouses to speak up and tell their stories so they can get their just due and be labeled the heroes that they are.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com for tips on how to navigate the VA system and make your VA experience healthier and less frustrating. Like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

For local mental health counseling for spouses you can call

Victor Community Support Services

(Military Family Program)

222 East Main St

Barstow, Ca. 92311

(760) 255-1496

 www.victor.org

Christian Counseling Services (CCS)

(Military Family Program)

205 E. State Street

Redlands, CA 92373

909-793-1078

www.ccs-cares.org