Vets Continue to Support Each Other

I was at the LA book fair and talking to a couple of fellow veteran authors about what we miss about the military. Some said they missed the traveling, others missed the friendships, while others miss the structure, but all of us agreed that we miss most is the comradery. Having the ability to be around others who have been in similar situations is irreplaceable. We all understand each other; we can joke around and pick on each other and display our dark sense of humor without being judged. One of the biggest things we have in common is having to adapt quickly to new situations, including dealing with people we do not know. For the most part we were all assigned to places that were away from our home towns. We also had to leave our families for the unknown. We have all been placed in the same boat at one time or another. We were forced to move away from family, high school friends, and acquaintances. All military members have been sent into a situation where we were ordered to a new environment or situation where we knew no one. That is what we all had in common, we had to find a way to adapt to the new environment and depend on strangers. Those strangers become the ones we trusted, even though we came from a different race, or background, we all needed to place our biases aside to reach a common goal… the mission.

When we were “home” we had our high school friends and family members to help with us with what we needed to get done. When we joined the military, we lost the help from those relationships we have fostered throughout our lives. We struggled to relate to civilian classmates and friends because time passed and we changed because the military changed who we were, we struggled to relate to our civilian friends. Those friends and family were hundreds if not thousands of miles away and often had a different outlook on life than we had. We had become accustomed to the loss of relationships as we moved on from assignment to assignment, lost friends to combat and suicide. We became hardened to the realities of life and our attitude displayed the change. The idea of moving on became our norm as we went forward with our duty.  

As we moved on to new assignments, we would not know anyone. We would get to our new assignment nervous of what we were getting into. For the most part we would arrive with no friends, family, feeling alone and vulnerable. What we didn’t realize was there were a lot of people there who have been in the same situation and were willing to help. They often would volunteer to help you because they have been there too. They soon become your family of choice, those you depend on throughout your tour. They were there to help you make the transition, often this carried over to the spouses.  

Those of us who were married always had the single folks at our house. Especially during the holidays, they were hard on everyone, especially the single folks. Food was always the key to making things work. The single folks had few chances to get home cooked meals. They would visit and spend the holidays and birthdays with their family of choice. Get togethers were common and bonds were made. Cookouts became the norm with multiple families getting together with their kids and the single troops from the barracks. As we moved from assignment to assignment or went back “home” we still remember the support we had while in the military and we missed it.   

At the book fair as we discussed what we missed, it was evident that the bond we have between all of us was strong because we have all been in the same situations at one time or another. It was true, we were all at the book fair to promote our books, but we were also there to support each other. We help each other develop as authors and give constructive criticism. We read each other’s work; we share our work with each other. We toss around ideas and ask questions. We feel safe with each other because it is in our DNA to help each other thrive. Everyone who comes in is welcomed and accepted. In our group we have all generations of veterans from Vietnam to present, we have veteran family members including spouses, children, and brothers and sisters of veterans. We all have connections to the military, and it is nice to feel safe. The group is about writing, but it is also about getting back the relationships we lost once we separated from the military. We usually meet once a month to support each other and float ideas for new books or screenplays. I welcome all veterans and their families to come and check it out. You do not need to be a student at the college. If you have ever thought about writing a book or screen play, we can help you. Hope to see you there.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Female Veterans’ Struggles can be Different when Re-integrating

As a clinician, I have worked with a lot of female veterans. One of the biggest themes I see from them are the struggles they have when they get out. Females are not seen as warriors in our society, but I beg to differ. I know a lot of strong females who threaten the ego of some men, especially men in the military, and they can pay the price. Males run military and always have. In 1973 females made up 2% of enlisted and 8% of officers. Now female veterans make up 16% of enlisted and 18% of officers. I constantly hear people say females have made it in the military, there are female generals, and female senior Non-Commissioned officers (NCO’s). Some females who make rank do so because they don’t maintain their boundaries where they should. They work hard to try and get into the “good ol’ boys club”, but they never will be let in by a lot of male military members or veterans.  Some high ranking female NCO’s and officers let things slide that shouldn’t, believe it is ok to be talked down too, are ok with inappropriate comments, and look the other way when there is coercion or sexual harassment. Often the way female veterans are treated while in the military carry forward once they become civilians.  

In a recent survey, just over 60% of females indicated that their military service negatively affected their mental health, most often this is negativity tied to military sexual trauma (MST). The survey also showed that female veterans have a higher rate of depression than non-veteran females. The worst part is female veterans have a 250% higher suicide rate than civilian women. So many female veterans struggle once they get out because of the shame and guilt associated with sexual trauma, and are the largest growing segment of homeless veterans. I have talked to a lot of female veterans who did not tell people they were in the military because they feared those they told will know, or believe that they were sexually assaulted or raped. Not only does MST play a part in why women don't say they were in the military, a lot of men who never served are embarrassed they did not serve and a female did.   

This embarrassment men hold is especially true when it comes to job interviews. Multiple female veterans have told me they did not disclose their military service during a job interview with a man. Female veterans also have said that when they interview with women they feel they are treated differently by the women who are doing the hiring if they know they served in the military. I've also been told by female veterans that they steer clear of the veteran’s service organizations (VSO's) because they're only allowed one foot into the good old boys club. Another thing female veterans must struggle with when around male veterans is fearing that a particular male veteran could have easily been a perpetrator while serving in the military making them feel uncomfortable.  

Another issue female veterans deal with is the stereotypes that still exist that women who served in the military are lesbians. Of course, this is not true but to many civilians, especially women and civilians they can't understand why a woman would want to go in such a male-dominated, testosterone filled career. It is also well known that the Veterans Administration (VA) offers less to female veterans than their male counterparts. Only recently has the VA started offering services specifically for female veterans. At the Loma Linda VA, there is a specific clinic set up just for female veterans. This is a huge improvement over the past but they're still is a lot that needs to be done.  

As you can tell by some of the instances discussed, female veterans can have a hard time reintegrating back into the civilian community. It is a shame that female veterans must endure what they do. Female veterans, so often don't feel safe either in the military or the civilian community. They have earned the same respect male veterans have, please give them the respect they have earned.  

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Recent Events Trigger Some Veterans

John came to session this week and was visibly shaken. John served 2 tours in Iraq and has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He was concerned for himself and his children because of the recent mass shootings. Being worried about the mass shootings happening to him might sound dramatic or his thoughts are over the top, but when you are a person of color like John, I believe it feels different. John is a Hispanic male with a wife 3 and children, and because of recent events, his PTSD has consumed him. John disclosed that he has started to look at things differently in the United States recently and is considering taking his family out of the country because of how bad things are getting, and he is not alone.    

Many of my clients, both veterans and civilians, are worried. Is their fear justified? We just need to look 30 miles down the road to San Bernardino to know it can happen here. The mass shootings in El Paso TX and Dayton OH has unforeseen consequences on our country and culture. I have spent most of my recent sessions reassuring my clients that we’ll be OK. I assure them that we, as a country, have survived worse and will continue to survive and prosper. There’s plenty of blame to go around for the toxic environment. But what concerns me is the impact on those who need mental health help but refuse to get it for fear they will lose their rights.

Some people say the media fuels the fire, others say it is the President, while others blame Congress. It’s not as simple as pointing fingers at each other. It’s not just one entity that causes the problem, it’s a combination of things both big and small. People say, its crazy people doing the shootings no, they’re not all crazy, calculated… but not crazy. The El Paso shooter traveled 8 hours to shoot “Mexicans”, most “crazy people” are not that organized, is it possible he is crazy? … of course, it is, but not likely. It is not crazy people who do the shootings, it is those with weak minds that allow others to whip them into a frenzy. By saying it is crazy people doing the shootings I can see, especially in the veteran community, where someone with PTSD will be scared to get help for fear of losing their rights. I get asked all the time, what is going into my VA records, are you telling them everything I say? The answer is no unless they tell me they are going to kill themselves, others, or have committed child or elder abuse. Other than these cases confidentiality takes precedence. When they are with me, I can tell if someone has malice or they threaten anyone. Its beneficial for them to seek help because as a trained professional I am better suited to see a problem if there is one. So, trying to take weapons from “crazy people” is not the good answer… describe crazy? The “crazy people” will not come to therapy creating a bigger problem.

I have been telling my clients that their PTSD gives them the upper hand in a shooting situation. Their hyper vigilance keeps them aware. They are safer because of their PTSD and they need to use it to their advantage for themselves and their families.  

The shootings have a lot of pieces to it. It’s not the guns alone. It’s not that people are crazy. It’s not the video games. It’s not the schools, or bad parenting. It is a combination of the above. People need to understand there is no easy answers and causing people with PTSD more anguish than needed is problematic. Blaming the issues on “crazy people” does not help. The situation is more complex than others want to admit. There are no quick fixes. This is a cultural thing. With the short attention span and limited intellectual functioning of some Americans, we cannot see the details, we let the politicians and pundits tell us what to think instead of thinking for ourselves. For veterans, you can use your training to protect yourself and your family. You as a military veteran are more capable of dealing with the situation than the average citizen. In this case PTSD can be your friend in the right circumstances. 

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For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Should the President Pardon War Criminals?

I had a retired soldier in my office other day. Carl was livid that the President was even considering pardoning someone who committed war crimes. Carl is one of those soldiers who has retired from his duty and believes society has gone downhill and lost its morality. As a soldier and the son of a career Army veteran he struggles because people do not hold true to their word, values, and morals.  Carl feels those who have committed war crimes should pay for that crime on both sides. That brought up a good question and one to ponder. Should those who commit war crimes be pardoned? From a psychological issue, it becomes a different thought. Things happen in war that scar almost everyone involved. I can see where someone would psychologically snap under certain circumstances and do something they normally would not do, still is it right to kill someone who is detained, in US custody, and suspected of being an insurgent?

Carl believes that if the war criminals are pardoned it will send a message to the world that the United States has lost their values and moral compass. He also worries it will have an ill effect on how our troops are treated in the future when their captured, I can see his point, but I also can see why a pissed off troop can want to enact revenge on someone who just killed their friend. Carlos spent his entire time in the Army training his soldiers the importance of following the rules and orders. Carl is worried that by pardoning the war criminals it will give soldiers the idea that they can do what they want in combat, orders will not be followed, and the battlefield will become a free for all allowing soldiers to kill indiscriminately without due process.  

It is true that today’s battlefield is different. We are not fighting a conventional war; we are fighting a war where the enemy is elusive, resourceful, and organized, the enemy can come from anywhere. They use un-conventual tactics such as improvised explosive devices (IED’s), suicide bombers, and children with suicide vests. Often, they do not fight in the open, they are hidden using technology to their benefit using cell phones to set off explosive devices from a distance. The enemy does not see life as we do. Our enemy look’s at life differently, using our moral compass against us.  They torture and kill our troops who they capture, causing us to want to follow them down the road to immorality so they can use the propaganda against us. I would find it easy to be willing to harm or kill the enemy once they are captured, especially if their believed to be or are the one who killed one of my troops or friends. It would be easy to take that step when your adrenaline is up and in the heat of the moment. Psychologically it is difficult to walk away and not commit the war crime when someone you cared about was killed by the individual in question. I can see where someone could take that step even though it is against Geneva Convention rules where those captured and suspected of being an active insurgent are protected against murder, torture, as well as cruel, humiliating or degrading treatment. But it is an unlawful step to take and can have severe consequences for themselves and future troops sent into the combat zone. The question needed asking… is it worth the cost? Revenge does not help the cause. It only helps the person who is committing the war crime to feel better for a short time.

I agree with Carl; we should not allow a pardon to someone who has committed a war crime. By giving the pardon it tells our soldiers that they can do whatever they want on the battlefield and possibly be pardoned, it tells them it is OK. A pardon can cause the loss of discipline among the ranks creating a bigger problem. By giving the pardons, it also tells our enemy that we will let those who committed war crimes free. This in return gives the enemy permission to do what they want to our troops. It also tells our allies that we no longer have the moral high ground, putting their troops in a precarious position if their captured because they are allied with us. I truly do not think pardoning military troops who commit war crimes is a good idea, but I can see where some would feel it is the right thing and OK to do. The President stated they should not be punished for doing their job. In fact, one of the president’s personal attorneys is representing one of the people accused of committing war crime. The truth is those who are being brought to trial or have been brought to trial are being punished for not following orders, breaking UCMJ laws, and not following article 3 of the Geneva Convention. If they were doing their job, they would not have to be on trial or convicted.

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For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Happy Veterans Day

A little history lesson for those who don’t know. Veterans Day originated as “Armistice Day” on Nov. 11, 1919, the first anniversary of the end of World War I. It took until 1926 for congress to pass a resolution for the United States to have an annual observance beginning in 1938. In 1954, President Eisenhower officially changed Armistice Day to Veterans Day. The Congress being unable to keep their hands off anything, passed the Uniform Holiday Bill in 1968, changing the celebration of Veterans Day from the 11th of November to the fourth Monday of October. This did not go into effect until 1971 but was short lived. In 1975, President Ford changed Veteran’s Day back to Nov. 11th due to the historical significance of the date. Veterans Day pay’s tribute to all veterans, living or dead, but it is especially dedicated to living veterans who honorably served their country during war or peace time.

One of the issues I keep running into is that veterans are minimizing their military service. Justin was a Marine who served during peacetime and continually downgrades his service as a Marine. Justin spent his entire time in the military working at a headquarters unit where he didn't have to go into the field like most Marines are accustomed to doing. From talking to Justin, he feels he shouldn't even be called a Marine because he did not endure the training and hardships that come from being a Marine. Justin was in during Desert Storm and was sent from California to the East Coast to await orders to go to Desert Storm. For various reasons that was not in Justin’s control, his unit wasn't sent to the Middle East. When I suggested to Justin that he give himself more credit, if for nothing more than going through the Marine Corps boot camp, he discounted that too. From what I'm seeing by talking to veterans, Justin’s not the only veteran discounting their service.

Danny is a veteran who didn’t serve in combat or in theatre during war. Danny spent his entire hitch in the Army stationed in Germany. Danny was in the Army during Vietnam and feels his service is “less than” because he did not serve in Vietnam. Danny didn’t go to Vietnam because of a decision made by someone else, not him, and he still struggles with accepting that. He signed on the line just like everyone else who entered the military and was required to follow orders. Danny deserves, and has earned veteran status and the benefits that go with that honor. He continually talks down his time in the Army and has guilt because he had it easy in Germany while others were being killed in Vietnam. I hear time and time again from non-combat veterans that they don't feel they deserve to be recognized at veteran’s events.

Since its Veterans Day I would like everyone who has ever served in the military and worn the uniform of this country to take pride in a job well done to stand and take credit for their service. To all veterans, please take the time and enjoy your day as a veteran. Proudly wear your military clothing or paraphernalia in support of your service. I have given this lecture multiple times to Justin and Danny. I hope they will take the credit that they have earned and stand proud this Veterans Day if anyone asks “are you a veteran”. To all veterans, thank you for your service and I hope you enjoy your day and get all of the benefits you have earned.

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For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Vets Continue to Support Each Other

I was at the LA book fair and talking to a couple of fellow veteran authors about what we miss about the military. Some said they missed the traveling, others missed the friendships, while others miss the structure, but all of us agreed that we miss most is the comradery. Having the ability to be around others who have been in similar situations is irreplaceable. We all understand each other; we can joke around and pick on each other and display our dark sense of humor without being judged. One of the biggest things we have in common is having to adapt quickly to new situations, including dealing with people we do not know. For the most part we were all assigned to places that were away from our home towns. We also had to leave our families for the unknown. We have all been placed in the same boat at one time or another. We were forced to move away from family, high school friends, and acquaintances. All military members have been sent into a situation where we were ordered to a new environment or situation where we knew no one. That is what we all had in common, we had to find a way to adapt to the new environment and depend on strangers. Those strangers become the ones we trusted, even though we came from a different race, or background, we all needed to place our biases aside to reach a common goal… the mission.

When we were “home” we had our high school friends and family members to help with us with what we needed to get done. When we joined the military, we lost the help from those relationships we have fostered throughout our lives. We struggled to relate to civilian classmates and friends because time passed and we changed because the military changed who we were, we struggled to relate to our civilian friends. Those friends and family were hundreds if not thousands of miles away and often had a different outlook on life than we had. We had become accustomed to the loss of relationships as we moved on from assignment to assignment, lost friends to combat and suicide. We became hardened to the realities of life and our attitude displayed the change. The idea of moving on became our norm as we went forward with our duty.  

As we moved on to new assignments, we would not know anyone. We would get to our new assignment nervous of what we were getting into. For the most part we would arrive with no friends, family, feeling alone and vulnerable. What we didn’t realize was there were a lot of people there who have been in the same situation and were willing to help. They often would volunteer to help you because they have been there too. They soon become your family of choice, those you depend on throughout your tour. They were there to help you make the transition, often this carried over to the spouses.  

Those of us who were married always had the single folks at our house. Especially during the holidays, they were hard on everyone, especially the single folks. Food was always the key to making things work. The single folks had few chances to get home cooked meals. They would visit and spend the holidays and birthdays with their family of choice. Get togethers were common and bonds were made. Cookouts became the norm with multiple families getting together with their kids and the single troops from the barracks. As we moved from assignment to assignment or went back “home” we still remember the support we had while in the military and we missed it.   

At the book fair as we discussed what we missed, it was evident that the bond we have between all of us was strong because we have all been in the same situations at one time or another. It was true, we were all at the book fair to promote our books, but we were also there to support each other. We help each other develop as authors and give constructive criticism. We read each other’s work; we share our work with each other. We toss around ideas and ask questions. We feel safe with each other because it is in our DNA to help each other thrive. Everyone who comes in is welcomed and accepted. In our group we have all generations of veterans from Vietnam to present, we have veteran family members including spouses, children, and brothers and sisters of veterans. We all have connections to the military, and it is nice to feel safe. The group is about writing, but it is also about getting back the relationships we lost once we separated from the military. We usually meet once a month to support each other and float ideas for new books or screenplays. I welcome all veterans and their families to come and check it out. You do not need to be a student at the college. If you have ever thought about writing a book or screen play, we can help you. Hope to see you there.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.

Female Veterans’ Struggles can be Different when Re-integrating

As a clinician, I have worked with a lot of female veterans. One of the biggest themes I see from them are the struggles they have when they get out. Females are not seen as warriors in our society, but I beg to differ. I know a lot of strong females who threaten the ego of some men, especially men in the military, and they can pay the price. Males run military and always have. In 1973 females made up 2% of enlisted and 8% of officers. Now female veterans make up 16% of enlisted and 18% of officers. I constantly hear people say females have made it in the military, there are female generals, and female senior Non-Commissioned officers (NCO’s). Some females who make rank do so because they don’t maintain their boundaries where they should. They work hard to try and get into the “good ol’ boys club”, but they never will be let in by a lot of male military members or veterans.  Some high ranking female NCO’s and officers let things slide that shouldn’t, believe it is ok to be talked down too, are ok with inappropriate comments, and look the other way when there is coercion or sexual harassment. Often the way female veterans are treated while in the military carry forward once they become civilians.  

In a recent survey, just over 60% of females indicated that their military service negatively affected their mental health, most often this is negativity tied to military sexual trauma (MST). The survey also showed that female veterans have a higher rate of depression than non-veteran females. The worst part is female veterans have a 250% higher suicide rate than civilian women. So many female veterans struggle once they get out because of the shame and guilt associated with sexual trauma, and are the largest growing segment of homeless veterans. I have talked to a lot of female veterans who did not tell people they were in the military because they feared those they told will know, or believe that they were sexually assaulted or raped. Not only does MST play a part in why women don't say they were in the military, a lot of men who never served are embarrassed they did not serve and a female did.   

This embarrassment men hold is especially true when it comes to job interviews. Multiple female veterans have told me they did not disclose their military service during a job interview with a man. Female veterans also have said that when they interview with women they feel they are treated differently by the women who are doing the hiring if they know they served in the military. I've also been told by female veterans that they steer clear of the veteran’s service organizations (VSO's) because they're only allowed one foot into the good old boys club. Another thing female veterans must struggle with when around male veterans is fearing that a particular male veteran could have easily been a perpetrator while serving in the military making them feel uncomfortable.  

Another issue female veterans deal with is the stereotypes that still exist that women who served in the military are lesbians. Of course, this is not true but to many civilians, especially women and civilians they can't understand why a woman would want to go in such a male-dominated, testosterone filled career. It is also well known that the Veterans Administration (VA) offers less to female veterans than their male counterparts. Only recently has the VA started offering services specifically for female veterans. At the Loma Linda VA, there is a specific clinic set up just for female veterans. This is a huge improvement over the past but they're still is a lot that needs to be done.  

As you can tell by some of the instances discussed, female veterans can have a hard time reintegrating back into the civilian community. It is a shame that female veterans must endure what they do. Female veterans, so often don't feel safe either in the military or the civilian community. They have earned the same respect male veterans have, please give them the respect they have earned.  

For questions or comments, I can be reached at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit our website at marriedtoptsdpro.com and like us on Facebook at Married to PTSD Pro.